The Good Girl Confessional

Tales from behind the picket fence

Insignificant others – the danger of the fallback guy

By

“So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face? I guess the answer is, don’t do it in the first place.” -Missy Higgins
(The Special Two) 

  Recently a gorgeous friend was telling me about her amazing pal.  The friend that is always there to lend an ear when she and her boyfriend were having problems. The friend that answered her stealth texts at midnight after she and her man had a fight. The friend who made her laugh when she was feeling lonely when her guy was working late or went away for work. The friend that told her she was beautiful, funny and smart. 

Her friend who happened to be the opposite sex. Who she didn’t catch up with except for text messages or private Facebook messages. Her friend that, as it happened, she never mentioned to her partner. 

Her “insignificant other”. 

Lots of people tred the dangerous ground of insignificant others. I myself have been someone’s  insignificant other! I was the supportive shoulder to cry on when a male friend’s relationship was clearly falling apart. I was single at the time. 

He felt his partner didn’t trust him. She thought he was hiding things. He was adamant he wasn’t. 

So one day I asked the magically obvious question. 

Does she know you’re talking to me? 

The answer of course was no. So, I bowed out of the friendship. I had been friends with this guy for years but we lost contact. Years later we were Facebook friends and before I knew it, I was a crutch. While it didn’t bother me when I was single, it just didn’t feel right when I wasn’t! 

I wasn’t having a relationship with him, but the reality is that if you are  lying to your partner about who you’re communicating with, or completely omitting a friendship with someone you are confessing your relationship details to, you might be on a slippery slope. By default she would have thought I was the other woman. Fuck that! 

Now it’s one thing to be a sounding board like this when you’re in a casual relationship. It’s more like keeping your options open. And it’s awesome to have someone who actually gets you but you have no obligation to. It’s slightly flirtatious but safe. Can the same be said though if you’re in a serious relationship? 

A friend with a counselling background once said to me that if your partner hides friends of the opposite sex, and they are sharing intimate details of their life,  they are pretty much emotionally cheating on you. Even if they never meet up. Even if they are never physical. Even if it’s on line, or via social media platforms. 

I think there really is something in that. The reality is, at our age, if you have nothing to hide then why would you be hiding it? 

We all have friends we confide in of course and those friendships of deep trust are valuable and necessary. It is the human condition to have dear friends you can bounce ideas off. 

Such friends have normally met your partner. Or you’ve talked about them at length. You already feel you know them by the time you meet! 

And it’s possible to have Facebook friends for example that are just aquaintenses. You may have similar interests but you’re not sharing anything of a personal nature with them. 

An insignificant other is something entirely different. They are a hidden jewel, ferreted away from your trusting partner. They fill a gap you perceive exists in your current relationship. And in confiding emotionally in that person, you may guard yourself from fully opening up to your actual partner. 

The partner who shares your bed, cooks with you,  cleans house with you, cares for you when you’re unwell. As tempting as the insignificant other might seem, you may be stepping over a line of trust by lying to your partner about a support network in your life? 

Are you thinking of your significant or insignificant other  when you lay awake at night? Are you texting or emailing them when your partner is asleep or out? 

 I guess the magic rule is, if you need to lie about it or cover it up, or hide it, is your friendship doing more damage than good? What do you gain from having that relationship that you feel you can’t get from your partner? 

If in doubt, ask yourself how you would feel if you found out your partner had a friend that stroked their ego, that they confided in about your fights and your worse moments. Who flirted with your partner and make them laugh? 

Many years ago, I found out my ex husband had female friends for years that I was unaware of. It was painful to find out he worked with them for years, confiding in them. They knew everything about me. I didn’t even know they existed. 

Of course the attraction of the insignificant other, is the illusion of distance and safety. They aren’t living a daily reality with you. 

My dear friend has decided that she’s developing feelings for her insignificant other. Concerned she might damage her relationship with her actual partner, she has graciously stepped out of their friendship, knowing that she is worth more than being someone’s fall back guy. 

Knowing she would rather be someone else’s significant other. 

Have you ever been or had an insignificant other? 

Close Encounters – living with an alien

By

IMG_1989.PNG
Moving in with the Producer has been an extreme and, at times, surprising learning curve for me. Through this blog, and outside of it, I’ve been asked a lot by single peeps how it’s all going, and how the logistics work, living with my kids and a partner. Some people are just really curious as they too are living on their own and wondering how that all works. Which is fair because prior to moving in with him, I had no clue either!

I wouldn’t want to pretend it’s been all bluebirds and rainbows because…well, it hasn’t been! Having said that, It hasn’t all been terrible either! There have been moments of ouch and moments of brilliance.

Being all loved up is one thing – and we still are – but actually living with another adult after time on your own is quite the experience. To be honest, it’s not always easy!

I had lived without a partner for just over 4 years. Before that it had been 17 years since I’d lived on my own. 4 years is not a huge amount of time in the big scheme of things but it’s amazing how used to your own ways you can become in that time, especially when that time was filled with finding yourself, taking ownership of your life and getting your shit together. I wasn’t answering to anyone. I was doing things when I felt like it, and to my own agenda.

The Producer had lived sans-partner for exactly the same length of time.

It’s very true that we are the sum total of our lived and learnt experiences, and never is this more obvious than when you begin to live with your lover in your 40’s.

You know what I mean here. Lounging on the couch, wearing your comfy undies, bra off, plucking your eyebrows or painting your toenails, or dying your hair, scratching your ass, or eating peanut butter toast for dinner because…well, because the kids weren’t home and I didn’t have to cook.

Or talking on the phone all night to a girlfriend, or watching re-runs of Sex in the City, or whatever you do.

Living at separate addresses, and juggling commitments and schedules meant we only saw each other once during the week, and on weekends usually for one night followed by breakfast the following day.

Living together of course means seeing each other every day, sharing meals and space with each other. Add to the mix two teenagers and a dog, and for him, it’s been a very different life!

What shacking up highlights, are the ideas we both carried into this about what a relationship is, and what makes a relationship work.

Like a lot of couples, we didn’t really follow the golden rules of moving in together. We didn’t discuss the logistics of how we would divvy up things – like expenses and housework. Who is going to do the washing, or cook every night, or pay the bills.

Some things are simple and easy to work out. I cook most nights but I really enjoy the producer helping in the kitchen, hanging out and spending time together. He will occasionally Cook which is nice.

All of that aside, there are always teething problem for any couple who start living together. The emotional roller coaster can be a little mind blowing, because some things are not as simple to define.

For instance, I’m an extrovert while the Producer is an introvert. I verbalise when I’m upset, whereas he shuts down. He needs a lot of solitary time to feel rejuvenated whereas I like company and thrive with conversation.

I’m very open and inclusive in relationships whereas he’s very private and guarded. Given my past experiences I, of course, struggle with any lack of transparency.

As much as we know each other so well, In some ways we are, I’m sure, quite alien to one another!

IMG_1988.PNG
How we react to each other’s habits and eccentricities is important. We are both a little quirky if I’m honest, but he’s quiet and a bit sulky when rubbed the wrong way. I admittedly am overly passionate and animated. I feel things deeply (sometimes too deeply) so I can get dramatic. I’m a Leo…I can roar when hurt.

Arguments can be an effective tool for clearing the air and understanding one another on a deeper level. What’s not healthy is when arguments continue to repeat themselves. We’ve been guilty of this happening.

I’ve taken a step back and started to chill the hell out. There are things the producer does that may not thrill me, and sometimes hurt me, and vice versa no doubt, but what I’ve started to ask myself is this. Are any of these things deal breakers? I don’t think so.

The art of compromise is a beautiful thing. He needs a lot of time alone and I need to feel valued and wanted. Like a lot of women, of course I want to feel like my man really wants to see me, spend time with me and actually cares about what I have to say. I crave intimacy (not just sexual either) and I love hugs and physical contact. I think it was my friend, the writer Carly Findlay, who calls it “skin hunger”. I love that term for it.

In response to that, he’s started showing me a lot more affection when we are together which makes me feel safer and more secure regarding the relationship.

I’ve started calming down about him wanting solitary space. Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s important that people have their own identities and have time to do their own thing.

In truth I’ve never had a partner who needed so much time out, and it’s hard at times to not take it personally, or feel rejected…but then he’s never had a partner with children before, which is huge, so swings and roundabouts.

We are a work in progress that’s for sure. Living together is not seamless. It’s messy and busy and sometimes crazy, but we are both on the same page. Which is huge. We know our relationship is unique and worth the effort and so are we. So we keeping working on it.

Every single day.

And when he does sweet things like meet me at the station after work, producing an umbrella in this crazy Melbourne stormy-summer, I realise how crazy in love we are, and how lucky I am.

You’re just not all that – dating a pretender

By

20140731-104840-38920607.jpg

The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her.
– Bob Marley

Anyone who is bordering on my age (that’s 45! I’m getting used to saying that!) who has thrown their hat into the dating arena in the past few years may have come across a pretender.

I’m not talking about the recently single guy who is just dipping his toe tentatively into the dating pool, trying to figure out what he wants and needs. No.

I’m talking about that guy. The one who starts off being elusive or mysterious but then somehow becomes intertwined in your life – pretending he’s going to be great relationship material when in fact he’s a career single. His mantra is “I’m not going down that path again – I’m single and determined to stay that way”.

We’ve all met that dude – or one very similar, right? Ugh. One of my dear friends recently walked away from one of this ilk. She had given him a great run. A huge amount of time and many opportunities to step up. She had been patient and undemanding, kind and considerate. It takes courage to walk away from someone you care about, when you have invested so much of yourself into what you believed would become more.

I’m incredibly proud of her for finding the courage to do so. In the end her own self worth wouldn’t let her continue on the roller coaster of uncertainty. Never sacrifice your dignity for your destiny, right?

He liked spending time with her which was obvious. Why wouldn’t he? She’s just good people! A great sense of humour, attractive, supportive, encouraging and knows her way around the kitchen.

But here’s the thing about the pretender. While he was fully present when he was with her (engaging, affectionate and sharing in-jokes), I suspect the moment he was out the door he was self absorbed and consumed by other things.

This particular pretender was hauling a huge amount of luggage behind him actually. Luggage he refused to put in storage or donate to good will! (And by that of course I mean he simply buried it rather than dealt with it).

Some people like to hold on to the baggage, I’m convinced. As if somehow being a victim of your past experiences keeps you safe from growth and happiness. It keeps him safe from being vulnerable…and stepping into anything new and worthwhile.

The thing though that makes them a pretender is not the “I don’t want a relationship” stance. (There are a lot of commitment phobic men out there who are honest about their single status). That’s their prerogative. It’s the letting someone else have hope in the belief that there’s a possibility you will step in.

Dude, that’s just not cool! It’s just poor form. It’s playing with someone else’s heart. It’s hurtful and disrespectful.

If you don’t want to be in a relationship, why pretend you could and might go down that path? We are all grown ups. If you just want it to be about sex then say so. Not everyone is going to be happy with being your friend with benefits, true, but at least you’d have integrity and the other person could make an informed choice.

While you are investing of yourself, waiting for the phone to ring or hoping to see him, the pretender is leaving himself wide open to other possibilities and opportunities.

Here’s the kicker. It has nothing to do with you. You, my dear, are enough. He simply doesn’t want a relationship regardless of how amazing you are. He will refuse to see the possibilities, limited by his beliefs that singledom is the way to go.

It’s easy to believe the pretender wants a relationship. Deep down I’m sure they want you to believe it. They like the idea of you being monogamous with them, even if they are not with you. Of course.

They like the perks of having you care for them and the fact that you will stroke their ego. They love the awesome sex. They love the effort you put in. They love knowing you are there for them, and they can confide in you. All the perks of a relationship without actually having a relationship.

But the thing is dude-pretender – you’re just not all that. You’re just a shadow of who you could be if you were able to be open and real, and let someone else into your life. The face you show the world is not your authentic self and there’s something quite sad and lonely about a person who can’t let anyone else in.

In the end, they are not committing and nor do they have any intention of doing so. It’s not you, it’s them! All that baggage leaves little room for someone else to get close, lest you trip over all the suitcases.

Move on I say! Don’t waste your valuable time and energy on pretenders. It’s not easy to meet the right one, granted, but hanging out with a pretender isn’t the answer either. The pretender simply stands in the way of other brilliant people out there who might just be looking for someone like you. You are worth so much more.

If two’s company, is three a crowd?! Let’s talk Ménage à trois!

By 6 Comments

(Adult Content)

 20140613-090133-32493276.jpg

I was recently out to dinner with friends when we ended up on topic of the Ménage à trois…the not so humble threesome. This means sex involving three people. This could be three girls, three guys, two guys and a girl or two girls and one man. It can also involve transgender and intersex partners.

It’s fair to say that often my catch up with friends include chats about sex. Or dating.  Obviously because I write this blog, people feel more comfortable chatting about intimate topics like relationships and sex but they are also curious about up-coming blog posts.  I’m pretty humbled when they share their stories and thoughts.

So I’d had a very playful conversation with the Producer (I’d been teasing him about his sweet tooth-sugar addiction) that went something like this:

Me: Lollies are not breakfast.

Him: You’re not the boss of me…

Me:  That’s true.  You can have anything you want.

Him: Great! I want a lesbian threesome!

Me:  Sure…where are you going to find two lesbians?

Burn, baby!

To clarify, this was obviously not a serious conversation about us having a threesome, but it got me thinking about the Ménage à trois. I told my friends I’d been planning to write a piece about it. Now, at first they laughed and then my male friend admitted shyly he’d once had a threesome while my female friend said she’d never tried it.

I’m yet to meet anyone – man or woman – that has had a threesome with two men by the way. The more common experience seems to be one man and two women.  That is most likely because straight men find the thought of sharing a sexual experience with another man quite uncomfortable. Whereas,  straight women are less freaked about the notion of a shared experience involving a man and another woman. Of course threesomes involving two guys and one woman definitely happen…I’ve just never met anyone personally who has participated in the boy-girl-boy threesome. I wish I had as I’m quite curious about the dynamics!

The threesome seems to be the sexual fantasy of most men. If sex with one woman is fun, sex with two must be twice as fun, right? Also, let’s face it – men are voyeuristic. They like to watch. The thought of watching two women pleasure each other is quite delicious for a lot of men.

Contrary to popular belief, a lot of threesomes involve three straight people. It’s not always bi, or bi-curious people who instigate although, sure, that happens too.

In the course of writing this blog, I’ve actually met a lot of women, and men,  who have told me their experiences of threesomes. Some experiences were positive and some were not. Often people who haven’t tried it are fascinated with how it all works…which is fair! Sex between two people is interesting so throw another person in the mix and that’s a lot of arms and legs and bits and pieces to navigate! It can be complicated!

While a threesome might be a whole lot of fun for some, it’s not something to be entered into lightly, especially if you’re part of a couple. Obviously a whole lot of trust is required for a couple to share a sexual experience with another person.

I’ve actually met people whose relationships and friendships fell apart after a threesome. One friend felt confronted and betrayed by the experience, watching her partner enjoying himself with a friend. She told me she wasn’t prepared for the level of jealousy she felt and sadly, her relationship with her man and her close friend who participated never recovered.  Incidentally, the threesome had been her idea.

It’s not just women that feel pangs of jealousy either, remember! A male friend once told me that he had a threesome involving his wife and a female friend. He said during the ménage a trios he was more than fine, and was loving every moment of it. In the days that followed he grew increasingly upset and jealous and felt that his wife had enjoyed the sexual affections of the friend too much. Again, in the end the friendship between the two women fell by the wayside as he didn’t trust them alone together! Their marriage survived but threesomes were never entered into again! Ouch.

Which leads me to a few points!  Anything sexual should be fun and pleasurable or there’s no point! So here are some things to you might like to consider before you jump in to a threesome which might be helpful!

Think about the why?

Having a threesome might be on your list of fantasies but it’s important to think about your motivation for wanting it to be a reality. Are you simply curious? Are you wanting to spice things up with your partner? Will it be a one off thing?  Are you hoping to form a love triangle? Is it to keep your partner happy? If it’s the latter…how will you feel afterwards? Will it make you happy?

If you happen to be jealous by nature, how will you react sharing two people rather than one? Only you can know but be honest with yourself.

One thing I always say regarding sex – any sex – is don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with and be wary of anyone who would pressure you to do so!

I discussed this with one friend who said that even thinking about it concerned her. If you are reading this and feeling quite uncomfortable about the thought of sharing your partner, my suggestion would be don’t do it! It’s as simple as that!

Think about the who?

You also need to be very mindful about who you would want to share the experience with. One of my close friends  had a threesome with her trusted girlfriend and a guy one of them had just started dating. The stakes weren’t high in that no one had a romantic attachment to anyone else and everyone involved was single. It was a once-off and all had a good time! She had a lot of fun and it was a positive experience that in no way impacted her friendship with her friend. (She did stop dating the guy, though for other reasons!).

In talking to people about this particular post, a number of people actually said that if you’re in a committed relationship with a person you love, you might consider an experienced sex worker as an option for a threesome. For one they actually know what they are doing but they also won’t confuse the experience as being anything other than a sexual act. Therefore there is less chance of jealousy occurring.

One particular friend said that the third person should leave afterwards which she felt was very important. “Time alone with your partner afterwards is really important. You both need gentle reassurance that you’re the only person that matters.”  That can be tricky of the other person is someone you know!

Inviting a friend to join a couple can be fraught with problems, so be mindful and careful about your motivation for thinking of that person in the first place, and how the third person might feel afterwards!

If you’re single but planning on having a threesome with an established couple, be mindful that at the end of it, they will still be a couple and you won’t be. They are looking for a shared sexual experience as a couple! I don’t mean for that to sound harsh but it’s a reality that needs to be accepted. A shared sexual experience doesn’t equal inclusion beyond that, or that it will ever happen again (more times than not, it won’t). Make sure you’ll be okay with that in your own mind before you jump in!

I had a brilliant female writer tell me once when discussing this subject,”Women get emotional, darling. They think nothing before sex but after the sex, they can get emotional.” She had been involved in a number of threesomes!

Think about the boundaries.

Something to consider is that your relationship with your partner is bound to be changed by the experience, either positively or negatively. It should be a positive thing!  It’s imperative that you set some ground rules. Your partner should of course be your first consideration so talking about boundaries and what you both will and won’t be okay with is important. This of course will be different for everyone. Setting ground rules first will help to illuminate any doubt both during and after. This could mean anything from the threesome happening in a hotel room so your bedroom isn’t shared (a friend pointed out to me that her bedroom was sacred space for her, which was an interesting point), to your partner not penetrating the other woman, or you not kissing another person…different people have different views about intimacy of course.

It’s about all three people being comfortable. All three parties need to understand the boundaries, and respect each other limitations.

If you are planning to involve people you already know, be sensitive and respectful and discuss expectations and boundaries! If you’re part of a couple, make sure you involve both parties but be sure to focus on your partner! Your partner should always be your primary concern. Feelings and emotions are involved here too, not just physical pleasure! Make sure afterwards your partner knows they are your priority!

If you’re single and jumping in with two singles, talk about any limitations, make sure all three parties are okay with the boundaries and expectations and enjoy!

Think about safety.

In all situations, remember to respect yourself and others both emotionally and physically!  Make sure you use condoms! That’s a must!! As for positions and the navigation of all the legs and arms, like all sex, don’t get too hung up on it! It will all just falls into place! If you are planning to have a ménage a trios, then I say ooh la la people! Be safe and enjoy!

Have you ever had a threesome, know someone who has, or would you consider it?

%d bloggers like this: