The Good Girl Confessional

Tales from behind the picket fence

Love, alone, is never enough…

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“What will sustain us through the winter?
Where did last years’ lessons go?
Walk me out into the rain and snow
I dream a highway back to you…”

Gillian Welch – I Dream a Highway                           

Marina and Ulay 2010

     

Marina Abramovic and Ulay (MoMA, New York 2010)

I haven’t blogged in quite a while so for those of you following along I sincerely apologise for my writing absence. The blog has been like a barren wasteland for a little bit.  I have always found that my writing is heavily aligned with the state of my heart. Sadness often seems to choke my creative self and the writer chick in me is forced to sit desolate on a proverbial island waiting for the authentic me to wake up.

The fact that I’ve started writing again perhaps means I’ve stepped out of the darkness and back into the light. That’s not to say that I was depressed, but I was, I think, certainly lost and for quite some time, very sad. The sun is shining, even in the grip of Melbourne’s winter. I can feel it breaking through the clouds on early morning walks to the train station, in the new suburb I’m living in. I’ve moved house, with the gorgeous ones and my old-man-puppy…but not the Producer.

I’m single. There, I’ve said it out loud for the universe to hear.

I wasn’t sure how I would write about this, or if in fact I could bring myself to, but here I am , words flowing out of me and onto the screen so perhaps it’s time.

It’s too early I think to go into the nitty-gritty of this lost love, and out of respect for the Producer, I won’t, but I think it’s fair to say that we loved each other, he and I. Sometimes though, love alone is not enough. While we gave it a red hot go, took risks and tried to merge lives under a single roof, we simply didn’t make it. And, fuck it, it was heart breaking.

My optimistic brain and my romantic heart can’t really reconcile all the water that flowed under the damn bridge to get me here, but I know with a sense of resolution that leaving was the best thing for both of us. There is a great quote by Mik Everett – ‘If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die.’  The Producer filled the pages of so many blog posts early on, and here he is again. Still.

When we met, the chemistry was off the charts. It was instant and electric. The sex was hot and steamy, and I liked it that way, and wanted it to stay that way.  Sadly it didn’t. He was the polar opposite of all I had ever known and it was exciting. It took a long time, and me walking away, for him to commit to the relationship. I ignored those red flags, as one in love is prone to do, and when he finally said the words “monogamous” and “exclusive”, I felt I’d won first prize at the fair. What had happened to me that I didn’t stop to consider that perhaps  I was the prize, and he the winner? In fact, somewhere in all the excitement, I felt like I lost myself and my inner compass. When I first met the Pisces I had joked with a friend about me being a Leo. “Can a fish really love a lion? I might eat him!”

She looked me in the eye and replied, “Don’t let a Pisces fool you. He might lure you, pussycat, into the water and drown you.”

I now think there’s some truth on both sides of that equation. It was a complicated red hot mess at times, sprinkled with some moments of awesomeness. He made me laugh and I nurtured him. I made a home for us and he quite enjoyed what he would call “normaling”. He was part of a family unit…me, kids and a dog with home cooked meals, clean sheets and matching bookshelves. I don’t consider that normaling. It was just building a life. It was adulating. Our value base was just very different.

heart stitches

We shared a love of quirky music, films, exhibitions and binge watching Netflix. He was brilliant with my kids and in love with my dog and I’m grateful for that. I thought, perhaps naively, it would be forever but sadly it wasn’t meant to be. Ultimately, what we both needed to be happy in this life was so different, we’d have to bend too far, and blunt ourselves to fit the other’s mould. We never meant to hurt one another, and yet we did. When it isn’t right, it just isn’t. No matter how much you try to believe it is.

“Breaking up is never easy, I know, but I have to go. Knowing me, knowing you, it’s the best I can do.”

ABBA – Knowing Me, Knowing You

So, I found a place, signed a lease, packed many boxes, and left. Left my beautiful home for a smaller, older one in a suburb that, while lovely, wasn’t my dream location. He remained in the suburb I have been frequenting and eating in my entire adult life. I lost so much when my ex husband left. This time around, I’ve still lost. My partner. My suburb, my place to be. He moved there for me, and I thought perhaps he’d move back to the inner city but I don’t believe he has. I simply couldn’t afford to stay there on my income with two kids. Still, I’m a born home maker. I have the kids and the dog and I’ve changed lights, built shelving and figured out how to extend TV aerials…I am strong and independent. Sometimes though, it sucks to have to be.

I have retreated into the safety of solitude and of close friendships and those that understand me better than I can understand myself right now. I am proud of myself for doing what is right, even when it sucks, big time. He, the Producer, has left an indelible mark on my soul, as all loves should. I am licking my wounds and regrouping, drinking wine, listening to empowering music, meditating, working hard, writing and pounding the pavement when I can. It’s not about blame because that’s a slippery slope. I loved him, truly, madly…deeply. Passionately. I don’t know any other way.

He loved me too, I’m sure, just not in the way that my heart needed. We were fire and ice.

I believe I manifested him into my life. I told the universe I wanted someone who was the opposite of my ex-husband. I started this blog with a tag line that I was searching for my own Mr. Darcy. The universe delivered on both those requests. The thing is, I probably needed middle ground.

It’s been weeks now and I think I’m doing okay. I miss him and his smile, and his far left political views especially with the election coming up.  Life takes us where we should be though. I don’t want to regret my time with him, or that we tried. If you never risk your heart, how will you ever know? I’m not left wondering what if? I’ve learnt lessons and now, new chapters will be written, new memories made. For both of us. We learn lessons, good and bad. I will never ignore red flags again for example. I also know I could never love a man who doesn’t love a good film. Swings and roundabouts.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Maya Angelou

We haven’t spoken since I collected the last of my things. There is no contact, we are no longer friends on Facebook. We have followed the breakup rules. A number of people have asked me if we’ll be friends in time. I honestly don’t know how to answer that. Is it true that terrible lovers make great friends? The truth is, you can’t be friends unless you’re sincerely comfortable seeing that person with a new lover. Right now I can’t conceive of that. I’ve barely stitched myself back together.  I left feeling shattered and broken, with my self-esteem scooped delicately into a suitcase, dripping out the sides, like a gooey mess.

What I know is, for this chapter we shared, there was real magic, and love.  We did some very cool stuff and we laughed a lot. He will write this chapter in his own way. We are both carrying scars, there is no doubt, but we also taught each other a lot. I let him wholeheartedly into every aspect of my life – my children, my friends, my soul secrets. He told me as I was leaving that he loved me more than he’d loved anyone else before. His blue eyes locked onto my green ones and in that moment I believed him, but I knew the truth, that love alone can never be enough.

Compatibility (emotionally, socially, sexually), shared goals and dreams, open affection, communication and a willingness to be vulnerable enough to share your soul at its deepest. These things are vital too. I am too passionate to not live without these things. To do so caused me great sadness and I unraveled. Little chunks of my heart started breaking off. I was becoming someone unrecognisable to myself. I yearned for affection and to be acknowledged. I was slowly slipping into despair and that isn’t good. The survivor in me made me finally do what I needed to do. My heart is so loyal, it didn’t want me to go. I tried so hard to be less, need less, be satisfied with less than I deeply needed. I tried. I know in my heart he tried to be more. He tried so hard. In the end we both tried, and still we couldn’t make it.

A lion and a fish. One swimming and dreaming, the other on land needing to be grounded. An extrovert and an introvert. One passionate, social and energetic. The other introspective, solitary and calm. One born optimist and one pessimist. One Inner City, the other Picket Fence. Both layered and complicated. How did we think we could pull off such a huge feat? Love. We both believed in love.

Oh life…with all your damn crazy lessons.

As clichéd as it is, we all know that time heals. I’m feeling stronger and more like myself than I have in a long time and that can only be a good thing. My hair is back to a brighter shade of coppery red. My eyes seem a little greener. I am always grateful that I’m a survivalist and for the first time in some time, I have hope, and hope is a beautiful thing.

Valentine’s Day – what do women really want?

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With Valentine’s Day looming tomorrow, I wanted to take a moment to think about what love really means to me. There is so much on social media at this time of year about relationships – what makes them work, or not.

I write a blog that has spanned my life from being suddenly and unceremoniously single (on the wrong side of blood forty I might add) to now suddenly being not single, engaged and living with the Inner City Producer.

I’m sure he thinks I’m a deeply complicated human being, fraught with all kinds of emotions, this woman before him. In truth, that might be true! While women love to communicate with words and men are probably more comfortable with non spoken communication, I think what I need and desire for a happy life is pretty basic.

At 45, I understand that fairy tales don’t exist and nor do I want to exist in a world of make believe. While the Producer can be thoughtful, he’s not one for sweeping romantic gestures. He will not be hiring planes to write my name across blue skies, and I’m more than okay with that!

So what does a chick need to feel safe and happy in a relationship? Though of course it’s different for everyone, for me It’s pretty simple! Here’s the 5 things I need and want to make me happy!

1. Love. Ah, l’amore!

There is nothing like it. Being in love, or being loved is one of life’s greatest gifts that the universe can bestow on us. It’s beautiful. Loving another human being is an amazing feeling.

Love binds people together. It gives us a sense of unity and belonging. We love many people in our lives – our children, friends, parents, and of course our lover. The love we share with a partner is different than that shared with others.

Love brings with it a promise of hope and of great things ahead. Love isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s messy and sometimes it hurts. Maintaining love requires work and effort, but it’s so worth it. I want to be loved whole heartedly and unashamedly. That’s the only way to love.

Love is the starting point for all things. It grows and deepens with time and shared experiences. Love can bring happiness and joy to our life. This is of course a given for me but can love alone and in itself be enough? I’ve realised that love is the most important factor in a relationship for me – but it is certainly not the only important factor.

Showing a woman you love her isn’t difficult. Touch her. Talk to her. Listen to her. Hug her. Help her with the housework and the groceries. Rub her feet or give her a massage. Make her laugh. Give her your undivided attention…put the phone down when she’s talking.

Women love quality time and it’s important. This isn’t the same as cohabitation, guys! It’s date nights. It’s weekends away. It’s cuddling her on the couch. It’s telling her you love her – in words and in actions. It’s letting her know that while you can both have your own space, and interests (and you should), you actually like spending time with her and look forward to doing so.

What’s interesting about us chicks is we operate on a feelings level. If you make us feel wanted and loved, we will reciprocate ten fold. Let your woman know she’s a priority in your life, as she should in kind.

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2. R.E.S.P.E.C.T…ooh, just a little bit.

Aretha was onto something when she wrote that song. If a woman feels respected, great things are possible. It’s vital that all humans feel respected for who they are. If you respect and honour your woman, there is nothing she won’t do for you.

When a woman feels disrespected by a partner, however, it’s a major ouch. It can be inherently damaging to a relationship. Don’t talk down to me. Don’t roll your eyes at me. Don’t pretend I’m invisible. Don’t treat me as less than you. Don’t cheat on me or lie to me.
Don’t withhold love.

It’s easy to show a woman you respect her. Listen when she speaks. Acknowledge her views and her opinions. Introduce her proudly to people.

Respect that her body is her own, and she has limitations.

Allow her to be who she really is. Respect that her needs and wants may be different from yours but they are equally as important.

Respect the effort She puts into the relationship and all she does for you.

3, Trust. I’m there for you.

This is a biggy. Trust is vital to any long lasting relationship. Trust that he’s faithful, sure, but more than that – trust that your partner has your back when you need it. Trust that he’ll be careful with your heart, honour your feelings and your opinions (even if he doesn’t agree with all of them).

Trust that he will follow through with things he says he will do. Trust that he will be as considerate of you as you are of him. Trust that you will be a partner in this journey, an equal.

Trust that your partner will be honest and kind, and a decent human being. Trust that you will both honour your relationship. Trust that you won’t jump ship if the going gets tough (and let’s face it – at this age, people do come with baggage!).

Trust enough to open up and share yourself with me. Trust that what we share is real and we’re in this together.

4. Lust and intimacy. Take me, I’m yours!

This is a huge one for me, and a lot of women I know. You can’t underestimate how important intimacy is to longevity in a relationship. Women need to feel desired and wanted. We want to feel like you want (and need) to touch our skin, kiss us, hug us, hold our hand in public. Spoon us in bed. Intimacy on all levels is important – not just sex.

We want to feel like you can’t get enough of us, like you want to make wild passionate love to us.

Sex is important to me, as it is to most women. Through sex, you connect with your partner on the most intimate level possible. Your bodies communicate in ways that words cannot equal. It can be a spiritual experience shared together.

Sexual contact makes a woman feel sexy, attractive and desirable. This is why when sex is taken off the table it can be brutal to a woman’s self esteem. No one wants to feel undesirable or rejected. Doubt can creep in and can really hurt. It’s easy to feel invisible and less-than when your man’s not into it. (On a side note, the same is true for men).

Scheduling sex is vital for intimacy. All kinds of research suggests the more sexual contact you have with your partner, the closer your relationship is likely to be. Waiting for it to just happen organically might not work in this fast paced life. We are all working hard. We’re all busy and tired, but a little effort goes a long way.

Want her to sizzle? Shake things up. Be spontaneous. Break the normal routine. Send her text messages. Remind her you’re thinking of her. (Or maybe what you’d like to be doing with her!). Be as proactive as you were when you were dating.

Women need to feel they are worth the effort. Worth your time and energy. No amount of porn (which is now literally accessible everywhere) or masturbation (as nice as that can be) can, or should, impact your sex life or replace the real deal.

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5. Communication. Dude, talk to me!

There is nothing better than communication in a relationship. When a man openly shares his thoughts, feelings, hopes and fears with you it creates emotional intimacy, and a deeper trust. Hiding parts of yourself or not sharing your life with your partner leaves them vulnerable. How can anyone understand you if you won’t share of yourself?

Tell me about your day. Share important things with me before you share them on Facebook.

If I’ve learnt nothing else in life, I’ve learnt that men and women communicate differently. We just do! Learning to communicate with your partner is of course vitally important to making a relationship work. Given we are the sum total of our life experiences, how we communicate is influenced by so much. Our upbringing, our backgrounds, our previous relationships, etc.

And it’s always a work in progress. Communicating the important stuff isn’t always easy, but it’s worth the effort to find the middle ground. Shutting down or hiding feelings from a lover isn’t the healthy way to go.

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So there you have it! On the big V day, huge sweeping gestures of flowers and chocolate aren’t my priority! This Valentine’s Day all this Good Girl needs is to feel loved and respected…oh and to get balls deep into some skin on skin action with the guy I love.

Remember to love yourself. You’re pretty amazing! What are the most important things to you in a relationship?

Close Encounters – living with an alien

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Moving in with the Producer has been an extreme and, at times, surprising learning curve for me. Through this blog, and outside of it, I’ve been asked a lot by single peeps how it’s all going, and how the logistics work, living with my kids and a partner. Some people are just really curious as they too are living on their own and wondering how that all works. Which is fair because prior to moving in with him, I had no clue either!

I wouldn’t want to pretend it’s been all bluebirds and rainbows because…well, it hasn’t been! Having said that, It hasn’t all been terrible either! There have been moments of ouch and moments of brilliance.

Being all loved up is one thing – and we still are – but actually living with another adult after time on your own is quite the experience. To be honest, it’s not always easy!

I had lived without a partner for just over 4 years. Before that it had been 17 years since I’d lived on my own. 4 years is not a huge amount of time in the big scheme of things but it’s amazing how used to your own ways you can become in that time, especially when that time was filled with finding yourself, taking ownership of your life and getting your shit together. I wasn’t answering to anyone. I was doing things when I felt like it, and to my own agenda.

The Producer had lived sans-partner for exactly the same length of time.

It’s very true that we are the sum total of our lived and learnt experiences, and never is this more obvious than when you begin to live with your lover in your 40’s.

You know what I mean here. Lounging on the couch, wearing your comfy undies, bra off, plucking your eyebrows or painting your toenails, or dying your hair, scratching your ass, or eating peanut butter toast for dinner because…well, because the kids weren’t home and I didn’t have to cook.

Or talking on the phone all night to a girlfriend, or watching re-runs of Sex in the City, or whatever you do.

Living at separate addresses, and juggling commitments and schedules meant we only saw each other once during the week, and on weekends usually for one night followed by breakfast the following day.

Living together of course means seeing each other every day, sharing meals and space with each other. Add to the mix two teenagers and a dog, and for him, it’s been a very different life!

What shacking up highlights, are the ideas we both carried into this about what a relationship is, and what makes a relationship work.

Like a lot of couples, we didn’t really follow the golden rules of moving in together. We didn’t discuss the logistics of how we would divvy up things – like expenses and housework. Who is going to do the washing, or cook every night, or pay the bills.

Some things are simple and easy to work out. I cook most nights but I really enjoy the producer helping in the kitchen, hanging out and spending time together. He will occasionally Cook which is nice.

All of that aside, there are always teething problem for any couple who start living together. The emotional roller coaster can be a little mind blowing, because some things are not as simple to define.

For instance, I’m an extrovert while the Producer is an introvert. I verbalise when I’m upset, whereas he shuts down. He needs a lot of solitary time to feel rejuvenated whereas I like company and thrive with conversation.

I’m very open and inclusive in relationships whereas he’s very private and guarded. Given my past experiences I, of course, struggle with any lack of transparency.

As much as we know each other so well, In some ways we are, I’m sure, quite alien to one another!

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How we react to each other’s habits and eccentricities is important. We are both a little quirky if I’m honest, but he’s quiet and a bit sulky when rubbed the wrong way. I admittedly am overly passionate and animated. I feel things deeply (sometimes too deeply) so I can get dramatic. I’m a Leo…I can roar when hurt.

Arguments can be an effective tool for clearing the air and understanding one another on a deeper level. What’s not healthy is when arguments continue to repeat themselves. We’ve been guilty of this happening.

I’ve taken a step back and started to chill the hell out. There are things the producer does that may not thrill me, and sometimes hurt me, and vice versa no doubt, but what I’ve started to ask myself is this. Are any of these things deal breakers? I don’t think so.

The art of compromise is a beautiful thing. He needs a lot of time alone and I need to feel valued and wanted. Like a lot of women, of course I want to feel like my man really wants to see me, spend time with me and actually cares about what I have to say. I crave intimacy (not just sexual either) and I love hugs and physical contact. I think it was my friend, the writer Carly Findlay, who calls it “skin hunger”. I love that term for it.

In response to that, he’s started showing me a lot more affection when we are together which makes me feel safer and more secure regarding the relationship.

I’ve started calming down about him wanting solitary space. Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s important that people have their own identities and have time to do their own thing.

In truth I’ve never had a partner who needed so much time out, and it’s hard at times to not take it personally, or feel rejected…but then he’s never had a partner with children before, which is huge, so swings and roundabouts.

We are a work in progress that’s for sure. Living together is not seamless. It’s messy and busy and sometimes crazy, but we are both on the same page. Which is huge. We know our relationship is unique and worth the effort and so are we. So we keeping working on it.

Every single day.

And when he does sweet things like meet me at the station after work, producing an umbrella in this crazy Melbourne stormy-summer, I realise how crazy in love we are, and how lucky I am.

Waiting in the love queue…

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When we love, we strive to be better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything else arounds us becomes better too.
– Paulo Coelho

The Producer and I found a place! It’s official, we are moving in together in about a month. Shacking up! I’m really excited at the prospect of living with him! Though someone I work with asked if we’d be living in sin? Well, yes, I hope so I replied! Is that still a thing?!

Given that the new place is much smaller than my current place, I’ve got a lit of decluttering to do! I seriously need to let go of a lot of furniture. It’s long overdue! I stand to gain so much more in my life than anything I’m giving up. In a way it is a liberating shedding of my old life.

So as we embark on our new adventure together, I was recently chatting with a male friend who was bemoaning singledom. He’s not loving it.

In the course of the conversation though I realised this. The perpetual struggle to find love when you’ve decided you’re ready is as challenging for men as it is women.

Granted, this guy does seem to have a very long wish list from which he seems not to ever deter from. He’s in his early 50’s, and has been internet dating for several years.

He’s meeting women, sure. But I feel he’s a pattern dater. He meets the same kinds of women each time. Dates them with great enthusiasm And then looks for flaws. Which of course he’ll always find. We all have them.

She’s attractive. Tick. She’s got a sense of humour. Tick. She likes music. Tick. The sex is great. Tick. Oh wait..:this one had kids. (Even though he also has kids, that’s a minus for him). This one is a bit overweight. (Great girl but….). This one isn’t financial (I have property and I’ve been stung in my divorce…). This one lives too far away. This one seems too needy. You get the drift.

I would never suggest someone settle for anything less than their ideal person. Ever. In this case though I have to wonder if he even knows what he wants. I mean he’s a nice guy and he’s fun, but he has flaws also. He seems to think he’s a great catch.

For the right person no doubt he would be but in the end he’s deeply scarred from a broken marriage. His ex wife had an affair. I don’t think that’s easy to recover from, but it’s possible if you do the work.

Instead he continues to date a string if women (one at a time). He dates vulnerable needy women (he has a saviour complex). They believe it’s developing into a relationship and then he starts searching for something wrong. Really what he’s doing is dating against his own type. While he really wants a strong and independent woman with her shit together, he’s not ready to deal with anything real.

I think he’s terrified of emotional intimacy. I think a lot of people are. Sexual intimacy for some is easy. Anyone can have sex and get caught up in the high of abandoning themselves to a moment of pleasure.

Emotional intimacy requires a leap of faith. It requires enough trust to open your soul to another person and allow them to see your vulnerability. That’s not easy for anyone but it’s harder for some than others.

He is like most of us suffering from fear. The fear of getting hurt again if you trust another. In his case, the fear of being betrayed.

He wonders why he’s attracting the “wrong women”.
Like all of us, dude, you attract to you what you can deal with at the time. He’s attracting women who are still hurt from previous relationships. He attracts women who are scared of being on their own. I think deep down he’s attracting mirror images of himself. He’s not liking the reflection. He is dating a row of women carrying their own baggage because he hasn’t let go of his own.

The same applies the other way too. Take for example a gorgeous friend of mine who has been single for some time, but was now ready for love. One night out with single girlfriends at a singles event, she met a guy. They chatted. The next day they met for breakfast and that was it.

They have seriously been together for several months and enjoying every moment. She looks incredibly happy. Sometimes when you’re ready and they’re ready – bam! It just happens! They live on opposite sides of town. She has teenage children. He has no children. She’s in banking. He’s a tradie. All of that hasn’t made an ounce of difference. I’m is happy for her. She was open to opportunities and bingo. (Yes she’s had a journey along the way too).

We are all braver than we think. Anyone who has been hurt in a relationship but dares to love again is proof of that.

In the mean time the dating continues. And lessons get learnt along the way. Through dating, you learn so much about yourself. I know I did. So much. I figured out who I was. I healed. I found out things about myself I didn’t know. I met some great people. I learnt what I didn’t want, and eventually what I did.

I know dating is sometimes tough but I honestly believe it’s a valuable part of the journey.

You’re just not all that – dating a pretender

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The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her.
– Bob Marley

Anyone who is bordering on my age (that’s 45! I’m getting used to saying that!) who has thrown their hat into the dating arena in the past few years may have come across a pretender.

I’m not talking about the recently single guy who is just dipping his toe tentatively into the dating pool, trying to figure out what he wants and needs. No.

I’m talking about that guy. The one who starts off being elusive or mysterious but then somehow becomes intertwined in your life – pretending he’s going to be great relationship material when in fact he’s a career single. His mantra is “I’m not going down that path again – I’m single and determined to stay that way”.

We’ve all met that dude – or one very similar, right? Ugh. One of my dear friends recently walked away from one of this ilk. She had given him a great run. A huge amount of time and many opportunities to step up. She had been patient and undemanding, kind and considerate. It takes courage to walk away from someone you care about, when you have invested so much of yourself into what you believed would become more.

I’m incredibly proud of her for finding the courage to do so. In the end her own self worth wouldn’t let her continue on the roller coaster of uncertainty. Never sacrifice your dignity for your destiny, right?

He liked spending time with her which was obvious. Why wouldn’t he? She’s just good people! A great sense of humour, attractive, supportive, encouraging and knows her way around the kitchen.

But here’s the thing about the pretender. While he was fully present when he was with her (engaging, affectionate and sharing in-jokes), I suspect the moment he was out the door he was self absorbed and consumed by other things.

This particular pretender was hauling a huge amount of luggage behind him actually. Luggage he refused to put in storage or donate to good will! (And by that of course I mean he simply buried it rather than dealt with it).

Some people like to hold on to the baggage, I’m convinced. As if somehow being a victim of your past experiences keeps you safe from growth and happiness. It keeps him safe from being vulnerable…and stepping into anything new and worthwhile.

The thing though that makes them a pretender is not the “I don’t want a relationship” stance. (There are a lot of commitment phobic men out there who are honest about their single status). That’s their prerogative. It’s the letting someone else have hope in the belief that there’s a possibility you will step in.

Dude, that’s just not cool! It’s just poor form. It’s playing with someone else’s heart. It’s hurtful and disrespectful.

If you don’t want to be in a relationship, why pretend you could and might go down that path? We are all grown ups. If you just want it to be about sex then say so. Not everyone is going to be happy with being your friend with benefits, true, but at least you’d have integrity and the other person could make an informed choice.

While you are investing of yourself, waiting for the phone to ring or hoping to see him, the pretender is leaving himself wide open to other possibilities and opportunities.

Here’s the kicker. It has nothing to do with you. You, my dear, are enough. He simply doesn’t want a relationship regardless of how amazing you are. He will refuse to see the possibilities, limited by his beliefs that singledom is the way to go.

It’s easy to believe the pretender wants a relationship. Deep down I’m sure they want you to believe it. They like the idea of you being monogamous with them, even if they are not with you. Of course.

They like the perks of having you care for them and the fact that you will stroke their ego. They love the awesome sex. They love the effort you put in. They love knowing you are there for them, and they can confide in you. All the perks of a relationship without actually having a relationship.

But the thing is dude-pretender – you’re just not all that. You’re just a shadow of who you could be if you were able to be open and real, and let someone else into your life. The face you show the world is not your authentic self and there’s something quite sad and lonely about a person who can’t let anyone else in.

In the end, they are not committing and nor do they have any intention of doing so. It’s not you, it’s them! All that baggage leaves little room for someone else to get close, lest you trip over all the suitcases.

Move on I say! Don’t waste your valuable time and energy on pretenders. It’s not easy to meet the right one, granted, but hanging out with a pretender isn’t the answer either. The pretender simply stands in the way of other brilliant people out there who might just be looking for someone like you. You are worth so much more.

If two’s company, is three a crowd?! Let’s talk Ménage à trois!

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(Adult Content)

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I was recently out to dinner with friends when we ended up on topic of the Ménage à trois…the not so humble threesome. This means sex involving three people. This could be three girls, three guys, two guys and a girl or two girls and one man. It can also involve transgender and intersex partners.

It’s fair to say that often my catch up with friends include chats about sex. Or dating.  Obviously because I write this blog, people feel more comfortable chatting about intimate topics like relationships and sex but they are also curious about up-coming blog posts.  I’m pretty humbled when they share their stories and thoughts.

So I’d had a very playful conversation with the Producer (I’d been teasing him about his sweet tooth-sugar addiction) that went something like this:

Me: Lollies are not breakfast.

Him: You’re not the boss of me…

Me:  That’s true.  You can have anything you want.

Him: Great! I want a lesbian threesome!

Me:  Sure…where are you going to find two lesbians?

Burn, baby!

To clarify, this was obviously not a serious conversation about us having a threesome, but it got me thinking about the Ménage à trois. I told my friends I’d been planning to write a piece about it. Now, at first they laughed and then my male friend admitted shyly he’d once had a threesome while my female friend said she’d never tried it.

I’m yet to meet anyone – man or woman – that has had a threesome with two men by the way. The more common experience seems to be one man and two women.  That is most likely because straight men find the thought of sharing a sexual experience with another man quite uncomfortable. Whereas,  straight women are less freaked about the notion of a shared experience involving a man and another woman. Of course threesomes involving two guys and one woman definitely happen…I’ve just never met anyone personally who has participated in the boy-girl-boy threesome. I wish I had as I’m quite curious about the dynamics!

The threesome seems to be the sexual fantasy of most men. If sex with one woman is fun, sex with two must be twice as fun, right? Also, let’s face it – men are voyeuristic. They like to watch. The thought of watching two women pleasure each other is quite delicious for a lot of men.

Contrary to popular belief, a lot of threesomes involve three straight people. It’s not always bi, or bi-curious people who instigate although, sure, that happens too.

In the course of writing this blog, I’ve actually met a lot of women, and men,  who have told me their experiences of threesomes. Some experiences were positive and some were not. Often people who haven’t tried it are fascinated with how it all works…which is fair! Sex between two people is interesting so throw another person in the mix and that’s a lot of arms and legs and bits and pieces to navigate! It can be complicated!

While a threesome might be a whole lot of fun for some, it’s not something to be entered into lightly, especially if you’re part of a couple. Obviously a whole lot of trust is required for a couple to share a sexual experience with another person.

I’ve actually met people whose relationships and friendships fell apart after a threesome. One friend felt confronted and betrayed by the experience, watching her partner enjoying himself with a friend. She told me she wasn’t prepared for the level of jealousy she felt and sadly, her relationship with her man and her close friend who participated never recovered.  Incidentally, the threesome had been her idea.

It’s not just women that feel pangs of jealousy either, remember! A male friend once told me that he had a threesome involving his wife and a female friend. He said during the ménage a trios he was more than fine, and was loving every moment of it. In the days that followed he grew increasingly upset and jealous and felt that his wife had enjoyed the sexual affections of the friend too much. Again, in the end the friendship between the two women fell by the wayside as he didn’t trust them alone together! Their marriage survived but threesomes were never entered into again! Ouch.

Which leads me to a few points!  Anything sexual should be fun and pleasurable or there’s no point! So here are some things to you might like to consider before you jump in to a threesome which might be helpful!

Think about the why?

Having a threesome might be on your list of fantasies but it’s important to think about your motivation for wanting it to be a reality. Are you simply curious? Are you wanting to spice things up with your partner? Will it be a one off thing?  Are you hoping to form a love triangle? Is it to keep your partner happy? If it’s the latter…how will you feel afterwards? Will it make you happy?

If you happen to be jealous by nature, how will you react sharing two people rather than one? Only you can know but be honest with yourself.

One thing I always say regarding sex – any sex – is don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with and be wary of anyone who would pressure you to do so!

I discussed this with one friend who said that even thinking about it concerned her. If you are reading this and feeling quite uncomfortable about the thought of sharing your partner, my suggestion would be don’t do it! It’s as simple as that!

Think about the who?

You also need to be very mindful about who you would want to share the experience with. One of my close friends  had a threesome with her trusted girlfriend and a guy one of them had just started dating. The stakes weren’t high in that no one had a romantic attachment to anyone else and everyone involved was single. It was a once-off and all had a good time! She had a lot of fun and it was a positive experience that in no way impacted her friendship with her friend. (She did stop dating the guy, though for other reasons!).

In talking to people about this particular post, a number of people actually said that if you’re in a committed relationship with a person you love, you might consider an experienced sex worker as an option for a threesome. For one they actually know what they are doing but they also won’t confuse the experience as being anything other than a sexual act. Therefore there is less chance of jealousy occurring.

One particular friend said that the third person should leave afterwards which she felt was very important. “Time alone with your partner afterwards is really important. You both need gentle reassurance that you’re the only person that matters.”  That can be tricky of the other person is someone you know!

Inviting a friend to join a couple can be fraught with problems, so be mindful and careful about your motivation for thinking of that person in the first place, and how the third person might feel afterwards!

If you’re single but planning on having a threesome with an established couple, be mindful that at the end of it, they will still be a couple and you won’t be. They are looking for a shared sexual experience as a couple! I don’t mean for that to sound harsh but it’s a reality that needs to be accepted. A shared sexual experience doesn’t equal inclusion beyond that, or that it will ever happen again (more times than not, it won’t). Make sure you’ll be okay with that in your own mind before you jump in!

I had a brilliant female writer tell me once when discussing this subject,”Women get emotional, darling. They think nothing before sex but after the sex, they can get emotional.” She had been involved in a number of threesomes!

Think about the boundaries.

Something to consider is that your relationship with your partner is bound to be changed by the experience, either positively or negatively. It should be a positive thing!  It’s imperative that you set some ground rules. Your partner should of course be your first consideration so talking about boundaries and what you both will and won’t be okay with is important. This of course will be different for everyone. Setting ground rules first will help to illuminate any doubt both during and after. This could mean anything from the threesome happening in a hotel room so your bedroom isn’t shared (a friend pointed out to me that her bedroom was sacred space for her, which was an interesting point), to your partner not penetrating the other woman, or you not kissing another person…different people have different views about intimacy of course.

It’s about all three people being comfortable. All three parties need to understand the boundaries, and respect each other limitations.

If you are planning to involve people you already know, be sensitive and respectful and discuss expectations and boundaries! If you’re part of a couple, make sure you involve both parties but be sure to focus on your partner! Your partner should always be your primary concern. Feelings and emotions are involved here too, not just physical pleasure! Make sure afterwards your partner knows they are your priority!

If you’re single and jumping in with two singles, talk about any limitations, make sure all three parties are okay with the boundaries and expectations and enjoy!

Think about safety.

In all situations, remember to respect yourself and others both emotionally and physically!  Make sure you use condoms! That’s a must!! As for positions and the navigation of all the legs and arms, like all sex, don’t get too hung up on it! It will all just falls into place! If you are planning to have a ménage a trios, then I say ooh la la people! Be safe and enjoy!

Have you ever had a threesome, know someone who has, or would you consider it?

How do I love thee? Let Valentine’s Day count the ways!

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Guess who loves you today?
The same person who loves you every other day,
But today you get a card.
Hallmark Card (spotted in a newsagent)

Flowers

We all know what day this is. That one day on the calendar that either makes people swoon, shrug with indifference or have feelings of dread and loathing. You guessed it.

Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day creates a lot of pressure on the love front. A lot of people celebrate it and just as many don’t. Since I was single for a long time, I adjusted to several years without a partner on Valentine’s Day. When I was married, we always acknowledged it.

Then I was single. I’ve had non-romantic Valentine’s Days ever since, and I have to say I’m perfectly fine with that!

Valentine’s Day actually has roots in paganism, and Christianity, and was celebrated amongst the ancient Romans. It became quite romantic in Europe during the middle ages. Shakespeare and Chaucer waxed lyrical about it and smitten people gave hand written notes to those they admired and adored. In the days when courtship was so conservative, this was no doubt a brave and lovely token of one’s affections.

In 1913, Hallmark Cards, in an incredible act of marketing, started printing the first Valentine’s Day cards, spreading the love and the commercial viability around the world. Valentine’s Day has never been the same since! It’s easy to see why a day like Valentine’s Day would become so commercial. It feeds the very human need for people to be affirmed, to be loved. What I’ve learnt along the journey is that flowers don’t confirm someone’s feelings for you. When you care about yourself enough, the need to be publicly recognised as the love of someone’s life is less important. The private affirmation of feelings matters so much more. (Oh, how the Good Girl has grown up!).

I’m actually in a relationship with the inner city Producer. People have asked me what’s happening on the big V day. He’s just not into Valentine’s Day.

This week the Producer cooked for me for the first time since I’ve known him. I have to say that I was really touched by it – and as it turns out he knows his way around the kitchen! It was, for me, a romantic gesture that meant more than a valentine’s card.

I’m not a cynical ex-Valentiner either! I think any day that promotes love and affection in this crazy world of social media fuelled vitriol and global negativity isn’t a bad thing. I’m not talking about the cheesy cards and the obligatory red roses. If you love Valentine’s Day, I don’t begrudge anyone that, but some seem to go a little loopy on this day of Cupid and roses.

Valentine’s Day sees blokey men writing poetry and guarded hipsters walking down the street in possession of flowers and heart-holding teddy bears. I’ve seen male friends who scoff at the notion suddenly rushing out to buy flowers at the last-minute for their paramour.

So what’s it all about, this notion of Valentine’s Day? Love it or loathe it, the big V day means big dollars for a lot of businesses, both large and small and most definitely boosts the economy.

According to IBIS World, Australians will shell out $791.4 million on cards, flowers and gifts this Valentine’s Day. They predict that $68.2 million will be spent on gifts of lingerie and intimate apparel, and a crazy $14.6 million on cards. Holy Smoke, Batman! That’s a lot of paid-for sentiment! Florist shops live for Valentine’s Day. They take orders for red roses for weeks in advance and bring in as many as they can for those that leave it to the last-minute. I spoke to a florist at South Melbourne market this week who said that red roses are always the most popular flowers, followed by pink roses for this occasion.

I for one think perhaps we should go back to the early European tradition. A hand written note filled with heart-felt words would bring some meaning back to a day which has sadly become massively commercialised.

On this Valentine’s Day, I wish you all lots of warm, fuzzy love – whether you’re single or loved up, in a relationship or not. As for me? I’ll probably soak in a warm bubble bath with a glass of wine and a good book, and look forward to seeing my man on the many other days of the year I spend with him.

On one of those days, perhaps I’ll slip him a handwritten note. You never can tell!

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