Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where’s the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds?
Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and I turn
And I dream of what I need

Bonnie Tyler

Since I’ve launched back into the interesting world of internet dating, I’ve come across a lot of nice men…okay, not a lot…but some. Of course I’ve also come across other kinds of men as well. This is not my first time around the single girl carousel of course. I’ve dated in the past. Quite a lot.  For the more experienced dater, you start to understand that finding an actual relationship is a lot like job seeking, or auditioning for your role in a Broadway musical. It’s a numbers game. Sometimes it seems quite unattainable…but reason tells you that you’ve been in love before and no doubt you will again.

Having said that, my flirtation with Tinder came and went in record time. As suspected, it’s more about hook ups than longevity, which would have been fine if I was seeking a f*ck-buddy. Certainly if I was it wouldn’t take long to find one!

First tip of dating – always be really clear in your mind about what you want.

Second tip? Be just as clear about what you don’t want!

Now I don’t want to be a downer gorgeous single women of a certain age, but when you find yourself dating in your 40’s, your likely to come across certain types of men. It’s easy to think such men are just stereotypes, but once I dated a few and was contacted by many more, I started to understand that most men do indeed fit into categories.

Here’s a few of the usual suspects.

The full time Super Dad  –  8 days a week

Was there an article in men’s mag that I missed that gave pointers on how to frame yourself as a doting full time single father in order to avoid commitment?! Now there may indeed be some sole parent dads out there with full custody of their kids, of course, but what would be the chances of talking to not one, but four of them, within weeks? Being a single parent myself, I certainly have nothing against a single dad. Let’s make that clear. Most people share custody of their kids…some do not.

In the online world of dating, I realised that “full time dad” is actually code for they are possibly married,   players, or commitment-phobes.  They can only offer to see you one day a week because that’s when they get help or support from babysitters….Looking back, even the affable Captain America I went on dates with, was this guy! Fearlessly raising his 13 year old, juggling work and ice hockey, the poor darling could only manage to date on Sundays.

I went on a date with a Fashion brand manager who was apparently raising three sons on his own. It left so little time he could only manage Thursday nights.

Then I met Batman, who takes the cake and actually warrants an entire blog of his own…he ran his own creative brand agency (yes, yes, I have a thing for creatives….god help me), who, through his brooding darkness and his kinky longings for all things cat woman, was somehow managing to run his own business whilst raising two kids, all on his own. Did he feel then that he’d actually have time to get to know someone, I enquired. Of yes…he could manage lunch time catch up and rendezvous in his lovely office in an iconic arcade in the city…Hmmm.

I’ve just been chatting to a lovely guy who contacted me. He is, ironically, a family law barrister…and takes care of his child “5-6 days a week.” Chatting with him is easy. He’s articulate and intelligent. He’s a northern suburbs guy and shares the same quirky tastes I have in music and films. He plays the guitar and recently performed in a band at the Cherry Bar…but he’s that guy. The 8 days a week super dad…He can usually manage Fridays. I did ask him if he’d noticed, in his line of work, if more fathers were indeed getting full custody of their children. After all, what if I was wrong? As it turns out, no, he hasn’t actually seen any increases in the stats.

Now, if I dated them all, I could almost have a full time guy!

Set in his ways guy…set, like concrete.

This guy has been living the bachelor dream for some time. He sleeps with women, and may have dinner with them before if he feels like the company. He thinks he wants a relationship but he’s also not prepared to change anything in his life to accommodate one.  He’ll let you know his routine very early on. He started running this year, so he runs every other day, having conquered the running app on his phone. I’m a mad gamer and my only time to unwind with my Ps4 is Friday nights and Sundays…after I jog. I’m working long hours so Monday nights are out and Wednesdays won’t work as I’m into  *insert hobby here…cycling, gym workouts, yoga, martial arts….* He can’t manage Saturday mornings because he needs to walk the dog, shop, clean or whatever. In the end, if you are willing to slot into one night a week and one night on the weekend for all eternity, this is your guy! The reality is, he’s not going to make too much time in his life for you. He’ll slot you in as part of his routine.

The Man-child

He’s having his first mid-life crises, or in all likelihood, he’s onto his second…or even third. Terrified of growing old, this guy’s started exercising like a fiend and would ideally like to be dating someone much younger in the hope that her youthfulness might rub off, while he’s secretly taking selfies of his head, worrying about his bald spot.

He regales you with hilarious and captivating stories of his past – hot women he dated, crazy places he had sex, drugs he consumed in his youth, awesome gigs he went to, drunken nights of crazy fun. He’s still living in the past clinging to his glory days. He buys expensive toys – bicycles, watches, electronic gadgets, motorbikes, fast cars, boats or ski gear…but he probably won’t buy you dinner.

The man-child is usually boyishly charming and enthusiastic in the boudoir, but he can be as petulant and excitable as any teenager. He cancels plans at the last minute because he’s tired or can’t be bothered. He complains if he can’t wear converse high tops to a wedding. He owns more than one leather jacket…because he’s very cool. He may quit his job on a whim when the going gets tough, which is also a metaphor for how he deals with relationships. Quit when things get hard. Any expression of feelings or emotions is taken as a criticism because he’s going to view you like a parent…and he can’t stand authority. He’s all about sticking it to the man.

This rock star dresses from a genuinely impressive collection of band tees he’s been collecting since he was twenty. He’s usually hot and fun but not always reliable. Enjoy every moment while it lasts.

The Insane in the membrane guy

We’ve all met this guy – bitter and twisted about his ex, and every other bee-arch he’s had the misfortune to date apparently. He’s generally, but not always, an entitled middle aged white man. We women can’t be trusted and he’ll tell you in ten different ways why that is. He apparently knows more about you than you know about yourself, and who doesn’t just love some good ol’ fashioned mansplaining?

The internet has of course given rise to these sorts, as they now have a larger vehicle in which to drive their particular brand of crazy. I chatted to a guy on line – a Uni lecturer who seemed quite nice. The first time he called me, within five minutes he was aggressive and defensive and started to tell me who I was. Of course he had no idea, and when I explained calmly that the conversation was making me feel uncomfortable, he actually bellowed at me. Wow. I’m sure that approach is working for you dude. I hung up on him. He then sent a text to mansplain that if women “would just listen to him, they might learn something about themselves…”

I learnt something…how to block his number and how to set mine to private. Yeesh.

As the wonderful Iyanla Vanzant always says, “If you see crazy coming, cross the street.”