My house smells like raisin toast as I sip coffee in bed…it’s 2.02pm on New Years Eve and yes, I’m still in bed tucked up with my laptop. I’ve been writing. I hadn’t written any poetry in awhile but I’ve written some today. I’ve started working on a novel…and here I am here writing for this blog…my happy place. I started the Good Girl Confessional back in 2012 and finally created the site in 2013, and it was cathartic. It still is! I’ve met the most amazing people through this blog, both on line and in person.

You can read the first post here  http://thegoodgirlconfessional.com/i-cant-go-back-to-yesterday-i-was-a-different-person-then/

I have evolved and changed quite a lot since then, and yet here I am on the eve of 2017, single again. I’m looking forward to the new year I have to say. This year seems to have been a hard road for a lot of people I know and from some of you who have followed and commented on the blog.

For me, 2016 involved a lot of highs and lows. As I’m mad for music, I saw Gillian Welch not once, but twice during her visit here in February. If you haven’t listened to her, I highly recommend Time (The Revelator) which is an incredible album. In March one of my musical dreams came true when I saw The Violent Femmes play live at A Day on the Green at a Victorian winery in March. They played along with Rat Cat, Died Pretty and the ever great Hoodoo Gurus.

Once again though I found out what I was made of. In May, I moved out of the house I shared with the Producer, and out of the area I had so much wanted to be living in. I was heart broken, overwhelmed and bewildered to be honest. I left someone I was in love with, feeling broken and emotionally bruised. I don’t know where I found the courage, but things between us weren’t good. We were on a constant hampster-wheel of extreme highs and extreme lows. I moved with the gorgeous ones, my kids to a tiny, old little place in a suburb that was new for me. And I cried. A lot.

The producer and I have had such a journey and it’s played out here on this blog over the years. We were dating and together, and not together. In the early days I thought we were together but he was sleeping with others. I walked away graciously when he wouldn’t commit, only to have him call me months later professing love and we became an official couple. It was never easy, not even then I guess, but we genuinely loved each other. He proposed and we got engaged, but he didn’t want to marry me. It was a constant push me-pull you situation. We were always so different.

I first wrote about the Producer back in May 2013 in a post, not so ironically titled Good Girls Fall for Bad Boys. You can revisit it via the link below:

http://thegoodgirlconfessional.com/good-girls-fall-for-bad-boys/

Earlier this year I had a five stay hospital visit after getting a crappy infection in my small intestine. I’m really grateful to have avoided surgery, and so grateful that the first  night my amazing girlfriend, Italian goddess that she is, stepped in to look after the kids. On the second night my eldest son came to stay with them. Then, of all people, the Producer stepped in to help out. As an ex, he did go above and beyond, staying at my place and driving the kids to and from activities and parties. He walked the dog, and brought me home from the hospital when I was released from hospital.  The place I had moved to when I left him.

I was really grateful for the kindness, but it’s fair to say that it stirred up feelings and longings. He started reaching out, getting flirty. I reciprocated in kind. We had dinner and went to farewell drinks together for his house mate who was going to live over seas. Things were hot for a little while, which is dangerous ground for hope to start sprouting like spring grass birthing through dry soil. I asked him if we could try again, which I’m not sorry about, and he said he’d think about it. In the end, he did what he always does. He pushed me away the moment I got too close.

He wasn’t kind about it. He told me that he didn’t want to date me, or get back with me but he was happy to sleep with me. What?! The sex was always amazing because we were compatible in that sense, but also because we were emotionally and spiritually connected…or so I thought. Take away the emotional connection and all else ceases. That’s how I’m built. He didn’t just share my bed. He shared my life, and he had my heart.

Reading the post above, even after knowing him for 4 years, getting engaged, living with him and sharing every aspect of my life with him, he still thought it okay to treat me like an object than a person? You can’t be someone’s fuck buddy after all we’ve shared. Still, I’m not sorry I met him and loved all the happy times we shared – our love of music, films, documentatries and exhibitions…and a trip to MONA which I will always adore. Of course I miss those moments.

I had lots of highlights too that shone light on dark days.

My gorgeous friend Deep kick Girl (https://deepkickgirl.com) flew me to Sydney, and we drank cocktails and saw the Frida Kahlo exhibition. Seeing Frida’s works, and spending time away with my friend,  reminded me that as women we are stronger than we think.  I’m really feel grateful that I got away and we laughed and cried and walked like a zillion kilometres around Sydney. At least. I’m so damn lucky to be surrounded by great people.

Other exhibitions also inspired me! I also saw the Degas exhibition at the NGV (three times!) and I saw the Banksy exhibiton and the Martin Scorsese exhibiton (ACMI) with my gorgeous friend Sandra from The $120 Food challenge http://www.120dollarsfoodchallenge.com/wp/

I ate lots of great food (including Greek food served by George Colombaris with my Italian goddess bestie) and I saw lots of films. I saw Meshel Laurie speak about resilience which I probably needed! You can check her out here: https://meshellaurie.com

I went to Catherine Deveny’s book launch for Use Your Words http://www.catherinedeveny.com and her words inspired me so much I started writing a book…it’s slow going! I met yet another lovely writer online through my blog, and our interests – Juliet Madison who has freely offered amazing encouragement.  https://julietmadison.com/

So here I am again. Slowly regaining my mojo, single and knowing my worth. My Christmas this year was tiny and quiet, but it was lovely. Just me and the gorgeous ones eating seafood and roast pork. It felt a bit surreal  but it was still lovely. It’s always a weird time for me. No extended family and missing the Producer’s family I had shared Christmas with for three years. I am luckier than some and I’m always grateful for my amazing kids and brilliant friends.

So as 2017 looms larger than life, I can’t help but wonder what’s in store. I am moving house again – the same area but a bigger place which will be good. I have tickets to see bands every month from January through to April, and I’ve started dating again. I’ve not met anyone as yet where there has been chemistry but I am back in the game. I do know that I’m not interested in casual flings or being anyone’s friend with benefits.

The world is a strange place. We have lost truck loads of celebrities in 2016…Trump got elected…friends have been sick…it has felt like the world has gone a little mad.

Though life hasn’t quite gone to plan (and hasn’t for some time), I’m so looking forward to 2017 and all the adventures it brings! Tomorrow is not just another day, it’s a whole new year.

Happy New Year (or Hogmanay as my lovely Scottish friend would say) to all of you and I hope next year is happy and peaceful for all of us!