The Good Girl Confessional

Tales from behind the picket fence

Music, heart strings and bumble bees

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playing music musician classic

“There you go, you got your hooks in me,

And I’m secretly high off the feeling that keeps

you hooked in, holding on.

Feel the push and pull so endlessly,

And I’m looking to find another sequence that drops me in the Golden Dawn….”

Golden – Kingswood

If 2017 seemed like a red-hot mess between losing my mum, and wading through the estate legalities afterwards while dating guys that just seemed sooooo wrong, 2018 in comparison was a stellar year, filled with healing, spontaneous brilliance, travel and actually falling in love.   

This year my youngest child turned 18, graduated from high school and got his licence.  He also got his braces off. In a blink of an eye, I’m now mum to three adults and with that I had reached yet another chapter in my life. He performed in many plays and really, it’s been a huge year for him. My daughter just turned 21 so throwing both an 18th and 21st in the one year was quite big, not to mention draining on the purse!

2018 saw me take my first holiday in over 5 years. I went to Bali with three brilliant girlfriends. I found myself in Seminyak in a private villa in tropical surrounds with cocktails, massages and so much laughter. We ate brilliant food, we danced the night away and watched glorious sunsets of purple and orange hues. We laughed so much I thought we all might pee our middle-aged pants! I felt incredibly humbled to share the experience with friends I have known since childhood  and love dearly. For the first time I can remember since my marriage ended 8 years ago, I actually relaxed.

I went to the USA for the first time, starting in San Fransisco with my daughter, and felt blessed to be at the wedding of my niece and her gorgeous wife in the Napa Valley.  What a stunning wedding it was too. I feel incredibly lucky that I was able to fly over and share such a joyous occasion. Being in San Fran really made me think of my mum, hippy child that she was, given that’s where the hippy movement began. My daughter flew home and I continued onto New York which was a dream come true. I met my friend Deep Kick Girl in NYC.  You can follow her blog here. I loved meeting her gorgeous sister and brother-in-law, who live in Brooklyn.

It was an incredible adventure and we were on the go the whole time but I loved every minute of it! The noise, the chaos, the sounds, the food, the cocktails, Harlem, soul food, Manhattan, Greenwich Village…just sublime. NYC didn’t disappoint. Seeing Hamilton on Broadway was a huge thrill, and checking out Edie Falco perform in The True off-Broadway was a highlight.  Perhaps the most mind-blowing event was actually seeing Patti Smith perform spoken word and music at the Minetta Lane Theatre in Greenwich Village. I cried during her performance of Because the Night. Breathtaking.

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2018 was also filled with music.  I saw Frank Turner not once, but twice, with Sydney sider Deep Kick Girl. She flew to Melbourne one weekend to see him and I flew to Sydney to see him again with her. It was really lovely to spend so much time with my friend this year given we live in different states. She turned 50 this year, so earlier in the year she came to Melbourne and I took her out to Maha restaurant where the head chef invited us into the kitchen and made her a special dessert. We checked out the Alice exhibition at ACMI where I surprised her with a high tea (think Mad hatter tea party). We went to see the Smith Street Band (and laughed at the fact it was an All Ages concert)…partying with the young folk! We celebrated mother’s day with my gorgeous ones over yum cha and cocktails. What a brilliant weekend.

I was honoured to help out at the Access to Fashion show for Melbourne Fashion week, which was the brainchild of the lovely Carly Findlay.  My lovely daughter assisted me and it was the first time my girl really got to see me in action at an event. We had a lot of fun and the brilliant models, designers and make up artists were a delight. You can read more about it in the link above.

My love affair with great food, live music, film, art and hidden cocktail bars continued in this great city of Melbourne and I’ve managed to catch up with so many awesome friends this year to share these passions with,  but it wasn’t the only love affair happening this year. Seven months ago, after a self-imposed hiatus from dating, I decided to dip my toe back in the water. My little British friend suggested I try Bumble. Who would have known that the first guy I reached out to would be the guy I’m still dating?! Maybe it’s fate, or timing or the stars aligned, or I was ready…or maybe all of the above, but it just seems to be working. He’s a musician (yep, another creative), but he’s also a State Manager for a software firm so he’s grounded. He broke a number of self-imposed rules I had also. He wore sunglasses in his dating profile pic (which is a no-no for me) but something about him still prompted me to reach out. He’s not tall.  Now to put that in perspective, I’ve only ever dated tall men in my life. The joke being that they kept getting taller. At 5’7″, the Muso doesn’t fit that bill, but let’s face it – I’m only 5’2″ so he’s still taller than me. He lives in the same suburb as me which has never happened to me before!

Where did he come from? Apparently just around the corner! He is sweet, funny, gentle, helpful and kind but he’s also a creative extrovert and we seem to just be on the same page. He has on occasion strummed his guitar, serenading me with Nick Cave songs. I don’t want to get ahead of myself here but I will say that he’s met my children and all three really like him, and he’s met my friends, who are my family. He just seemed to slot right in. We share the same passion for music, live gigs, street art in Melbourne laneways and great places to eat. We’re at different stages of the divorce stakes. I’m eight years down the track, making me a seasoned professional at it, while he’s a novice having  been single for 18 months. He still has external things to sort through, but he never makes these things my problem. I get it, having been there. So right now, it’s passionate and fun and we can talk about anything but he also makes me laugh out loud. Most importantly, I feel completely myself when I’m with him.

I’m so grateful for this incredible year and I’m very much looking forward to new adventures in 2019. I’m off to Bali with my adult gorgeous ones, my new man and one of my favourite girlfriends in January, and I’m just so excited. What a great way to start the year. So instead of stepping gently into the new year, I’m happy to leap in with both feet. After a number of really hard years, 2018 made me feel anything is possible and I’m excited about the future. I walk forward feeling healed, calm and optimistic.

I wish you all a wonderful New Year.  Please be safe and well. Thank you all for your continued support even when I went quiet to regroup.  Much love xxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brand New Beginnings – Here’s to the new year!

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My house smells like raisin toast as I sip coffee in bed…it’s 2.02pm on New Years Eve and yes, I’m still in bed tucked up with my laptop. I’ve been writing. I hadn’t written any poetry in awhile but I’ve written some today. I’ve started working on a novel…and here I am here writing for this blog…my happy place. I started the Good Girl Confessional back in 2012 and finally created the site in 2013, and it was cathartic. It still is! I’ve met the most amazing people through this blog, both on line and in person.

You can read the first post here  https://goodgirlmedia.wpengine.com/i-cant-go-back-to-yesterday-i-was-a-different-person-then/

I have evolved and changed quite a lot since then, and yet here I am on the eve of 2017, single again. I’m looking forward to the new year I have to say. This year seems to have been a hard road for a lot of people I know and from some of you who have followed and commented on the blog.

For me, 2016 involved a lot of highs and lows. As I’m mad for music, I saw Gillian Welch not once, but twice during her visit here in February. If you haven’t listened to her, I highly recommend Time (The Revelator) which is an incredible album. In March one of my musical dreams came true when I saw The Violent Femmes play live at A Day on the Green at a Victorian winery in March. They played along with Rat Cat, Died Pretty and the ever great Hoodoo Gurus.

Once again though I found out what I was made of. In May, I moved out of the house I shared with the Producer, and out of the area I had so much wanted to be living in. I was heart broken, overwhelmed and bewildered to be honest. I left someone I was in love with, feeling broken and emotionally bruised. I don’t know where I found the courage, but things between us weren’t good. We were on a constant hampster-wheel of extreme highs and extreme lows. I moved with the gorgeous ones, my kids to a tiny, old little place in a suburb that was new for me. And I cried. A lot.

The producer and I have had such a journey and it’s played out here on this blog over the years. We were dating and together, and not together. In the early days I thought we were together but he was sleeping with others. I walked away graciously when he wouldn’t commit, only to have him call me months later professing love and we became an official couple. It was never easy, not even then I guess, but we genuinely loved each other. He proposed and we got engaged, but he didn’t want to marry me. It was a constant push me-pull you situation. We were always so different.

I first wrote about the Producer back in May 2013 in a post, not so ironically titled Good Girls Fall for Bad Boys. You can revisit it via the link below:

https://goodgirlmedia.wpengine.com/good-girls-fall-for-bad-boys/

Earlier this year I had a five stay hospital visit after getting a crappy infection in my small intestine. I’m really grateful to have avoided surgery, and so grateful that the first  night my amazing girlfriend, Italian goddess that she is, stepped in to look after the kids. On the second night my eldest son came to stay with them. Then, of all people, the Producer stepped in to help out. As an ex, he did go above and beyond, staying at my place and driving the kids to and from activities and parties. He walked the dog, and brought me home from the hospital when I was released from hospital.  The place I had moved to when I left him.

I was really grateful for the kindness, but it’s fair to say that it stirred up feelings and longings. He started reaching out, getting flirty. I reciprocated in kind. We had dinner and went to farewell drinks together for his house mate who was going to live over seas. Things were hot for a little while, which is dangerous ground for hope to start sprouting like spring grass birthing through dry soil. I asked him if we could try again, which I’m not sorry about, and he said he’d think about it. In the end, he did what he always does. He pushed me away the moment I got too close.

He wasn’t kind about it. He told me that he didn’t want to date me, or get back with me but he was happy to sleep with me. What?! The sex was always amazing because we were compatible in that sense, but also because we were emotionally and spiritually connected…or so I thought. Take away the emotional connection and all else ceases. That’s how I’m built. He didn’t just share my bed. He shared my life, and he had my heart.

Reading the post above, even after knowing him for 4 years, getting engaged, living with him and sharing every aspect of my life with him, he still thought it okay to treat me like an object than a person? You can’t be someone’s fuck buddy after all we’ve shared. Still, I’m not sorry I met him and loved all the happy times we shared – our love of music, films, documentatries and exhibitions…and a trip to MONA which I will always adore. Of course I miss those moments.

I had lots of highlights too that shone light on dark days.

My gorgeous friend Deep kick Girl (https://deepkickgirl.com) flew me to Sydney, and we drank cocktails and saw the Frida Kahlo exhibition. Seeing Frida’s works, and spending time away with my friend,  reminded me that as women we are stronger than we think.  I’m really feel grateful that I got away and we laughed and cried and walked like a zillion kilometres around Sydney. At least. I’m so damn lucky to be surrounded by great people.

Image result for frida kahloOther exhibitions also inspired me! I also saw the Degas exhibition at the NGV (three times!) and I saw the Banksy exhibiton and the Martin Scorsese exhibiton (ACMI) with my gorgeous friend Sandra from The $120 Food challenge http://www.120dollarsfoodchallenge.com/wp/

I ate lots of great food (including Greek food served by George Colombaris with my Italian goddess bestie) and I saw lots of films. I saw Meshel Laurie speak about resilience which I probably needed! You can check her out here: https://meshellaurie.com

I went to Catherine Deveny’s book launch for Use Your Words http://www.catherinedeveny.com and her words inspired me so much I started writing a book…it’s slow going! I met yet another lovely writer online through my blog, and our interests – Juliet Madison who has freely offered amazing encouragement.  https://julietmadison.com/

So here I am again. Slowly regaining my mojo, single and knowing my worth. My Christmas this year was tiny and quiet, but it was lovely. Just me and the gorgeous ones eating seafood and roast pork. It felt a bit surreal  but it was still lovely. It’s always a weird time for me. No extended family and missing the Producer’s family I had shared Christmas with for three years. I am luckier than some and I’m always grateful for my amazing kids and brilliant friends.

So as 2017 looms larger than life, I can’t help but wonder what’s in store. I am moving house again – the same area but a bigger place which will be good. I have tickets to see bands every month from January through to April, and I’ve started dating again. I’ve not met anyone as yet where there has been chemistry but I am back in the game. I do know that I’m not interested in casual flings or being anyone’s friend with benefits.

The world is a strange place. We have lost truck loads of celebrities in 2016…Trump got elected…friends have been sick…it has felt like the world has gone a little mad.

Though life hasn’t quite gone to plan (and hasn’t for some time), I’m so looking forward to 2017 and all the adventures it brings! Tomorrow is not just another day, it’s a whole new year.

Happy New Year (or Hogmanay as my lovely Scottish friend would say) to all of you and I hope next year is happy and peaceful for all of us!

 

The year of growth & learnings

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Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary…

– Oscar Wilde

  As I write this New Year’s eve post, (on my new Mac laptop like a bonafide writer – a gift from the Producer)  I am inclined, like everyone else writing today, to look back on the year that was, and what a bloody year 2015 has been. I’m looking back at photos I have taken on my trusty iPhone6 over the last year, a gadget I am rarely without that seems to be a photo journal of all things that pass in my life.

I’m a busy chick. Busy in the sense that as much as I don’t always acknowledge it, I have a thirst for adventure. Not big mind blowing adventures like constant travel to unexplored places, but adventures that involve interesting discoveries, be it in my own city, or elsewhere. I seem to do a lot of stuff. I adore conversation with awesome people, that often involve glasses filled with bubbles, white wine or the occasional cider in the Melbourne summer.

 I love good food and interesting new eateries, even though I seem this year to have eaten more crap than I ever have before. I have recently realised that I have grown a sugar addiction. I would like to say I did it as some sort of social experiment, but the truth is I just started eating crap I hadn’t before like lollies, salted caramel ice cream (damn you Aldi and your ridiculously priced siren like treats) and cake. This sudden prediliction for sugar was born from two places. A partner who thinks sugar is a primary food group sitting on the “eat most” section of the food pyramid, and a work place that is steeped in what I know call ‘cake-culture’.

I happen to work with a couple of women who are extraordinary professional cake makers who weave their magic as a part time occupation away from work. One in particular made my daughter’s magnificent 18th birthday cake, a two-tiered gothic inspired creation, draped in full black icing with lace decoupage and filled with salted caramel and lemon deliciousness. She brings her amazing creations to work often, and morsels of wickedness she calls ‘cake pops’.  

 The innocent name completely belies the gazillion kilojoules they each pack, and their irrisitableness. It’s like a sugar black magic. Yes, yes, I take full responsibility. 2015 was a year of sweet decadence. My hips (and my thighs, stomach, tuck shop arms and arse) are all screaming now for me to stop.

They yearn for the days of boring salads for lunch and dark rye bread filled with tuna fillings. The scales which I have avoided for years (I’ve always gone by how my clothes fit), screamed out to me. “Get on, get on,” I heard them whisper in agonising taunts from the bathroom. Eventually I did.

Holy Shit!! WTF?! Yes, I’ve gained a shit load of weight. It didn’t happen overnight but it did happen. Of course such things don’t happen in isolation either. If I’m honest, I have built armour. I have surrounded myself with own weight to keep things at bay. I have hibernated quite a bit this year in my own skin. I know it. It’s just difficult to admit these things.

So, what I have I seen and done this year – 2015? So many things!

I had Proud Mummy Moments

My daughter attended her Debutante Ball, and I have to say as a proud parent, she was stunning. (Yep, total gushiness). She wore a full white ball gown. As a feminist, I was quite surprised deb balls still existed but more surprised that my little self-confessed converse wearing geek-girl would want to be involved. She did, head first and with gusto and I found myself in a sea of ball gowns, satin gloves and white heels. She emerged like a Disney princess for her night of nights and was swept off with her friends in a limousine.

Later in the year she turned 18. Fuck me. I have to say my gorgeous one seems to me to still be so young, and yet here she was embarking on adulthood. The little Sagittarian has always shied away from fuss and standing in the lime light. This year she boldy decided to have a party, with both friends and family. In the end we threw a shin dig with 100 odd people, and I found the cash to give her one of the few parties she has ever wanted. The tiny dancer looked amazing in a strapless black jumpsuit and bright pink sky scraper heels, drinking sticky red alcoholic drinks. Suddenly standing before me she was sincerely 18. 

Mr 15 year old played his 50th game of AFL footy and the Producer and I had a banner made which he ran through as his team mates formed a guard of honour. The producer and my eldest son held the banner up. Goosebumps and tears might have been felt that day. The gorgeous ones are growing up. 

I saw cool things 

The Jean Paul Gaultier exhibition at the National Gallery of Victoria (NGV) – brilliant day shared with friend and fellow blogger, Carly Findlay.   

Re-visited William Ricketts Sanctuary – Dandenongs, Victoria – a beautiful way to spend a day among the ferns and carvings

Arthurs Seat State Park – Day trippin’ 

 David Bowie is Yours – Melbourne Winter Masterpieces at ACMI – Dream come true! 

 Masterpieces from the Hermitage: Catherine the Great Exhibition – NGV 

 

I finally made it to Tasmania

Tassie has always been on my bucket list and it seems absurd that I had travelled overseas but not been to Tasmania. The Producer and I flew into Launceston, hired a car and went road trippin’ to Hobart. We did lots of touristy things, stopping in small picturesque towns along the way.

Amongst the beauty of Tasmania was MONA – what an extraordinary place, where we got to see the Marina Abramovic ‘Private Archeology’ exhibition (swoon). This may be my favourite gallery ever. 

 We ate amazing seafood, discovered scollop pies (yum!) and visited Port Arthur, where I was able to pay homage to a friend’s brother, lost there.

I saw great films 

Mad Max: Fury Road – holy hell on wheels! This film blew my mind, even after seeing it twice. A powder keg of feminist strength against a backdrop of an apocolytic world, my heart was racing from beginning to end. George Miller returned triumphant and let us forget that Beyond Thunderdome ever happened.

Putuparri and the Rainmakers – brilliant Australian documentary that had me in tears. This was magical realism (only so real) at it’s best and so worth a watch. This follows the life of Aboriginal artists and people fighting for native title rights. 

The Martian – I was a little surprised by the humour in this one. Matt Damon is brilliant in his portrayal of an astronaut left on a desolate planet. Ridley Scott at his best.

Star Wars VII – The Force Awakens.  Okay, I am not a huge Star Wars fan but it had to be seen, and it knocked my socks off. JJ Abrams is genius in erasing all memory of the the last three films and bringing space adventure back to the big screen. My favourite Wookie returned.

Other stuff

I drank bubbles and espresso martinis at High Tea at the Sofitel with close friends on a girly day for my birthday. Nice! 

 I ate great food  at No. 8, Gazi, Hellenic Republic, Robbie Burns Hotel and Mo Vida (followed by kisses in an iconic graffitied laneways) this year. Some brilliant food was shared! 

 I attended two baby showers, two engagements (one with rainbow cake) and a stunning winery wedding this year. Another friend accepted a marriage proposal. Love was most definitely in the air. Ah, L’amore. 

I attended protest rallies in Melbourne. Two of them were anti racism rallies, as I just can’t abide bigotry and I saw first hand neo-nazi supporters standing arm in arm with Reclaim Australia fanatics. I want an inclusive Australia and I took a stand against racism. 

 

I also marched for Marriage Equality – something I feel passionate about. It’s a no brainer really. A peaceful rally through the streets of Melbourne with people from all walks of life. And lots of glitter! 

I just spent three nights in hospital for a horrid infection and haven’t been so sore or sick for a long time. I’m so happy to back at home. Being sick sucks. Big time. I started in one hospital and was transferred in an ambulance to another. Nurses rock. They really do. 

The New year ahead

I’ve learnt a lot about myself this year, about who I am and what is important to me. I’ve learnt what I need and want and that it’s okay to admit such things. I’ve learnt that I am strong, but I am also vulnerable. I have learnt a lot about love and loss. I’ve learnt that I value open affection. I value intimacy and sex as an expression of love in a relationship. I have learnt to value my dreams and to not make myself smaller or invisible to suit the dreams of others.

I’m walking into 2016 I hope with new perspective and renewed optimism. I am surrounded by a lot of love and support for which I am incredibly grateful. I’m hoping to stop eating so much damn cake and get fitter and healthier. I’m hoping to learn how to make more interesting salads.

I’m hoping to rediscover my passion for life and interesting discoveries. I’m hoping to walk to the beat of my own drum and listen to awesome music and walk along the beach. I’m looking at moving to a new location and I’m going to try and do so with as much strength as I can muster. With every new year there is opportunity for change, growth and of course, shared memories with those we value and love. 

 Here’s to the next instalments of my busy life…minus the cake. Happy New Year! May 2016 be brilliant for us all! 

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