“Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman’s toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.”
~Marianne Williamson, ‘A Woman’s Worth’
Having brunch with a close gal pal the other day, we were discussing, among other things, the great book Vagina: A new Biography by the brilliant Naomi Wolf, which prompted her to raise some concerns about the guy she’s currently dating. She is totally into this guy, and everything is apparently going great for them, except for one not so tiny thing…her man never performs oral sex.
“Do you mean never?” I asked incredulously, picking my jaw up off the ground. The sad shaking of her head really said it all.
Gasp! Ye gads!
She asked if I thought this was unusual…My inner monologue was crying out Yes, girlfriend, I do! We’ve been friends for some time now so we share a lot of things and this was clearly upsetting her. She’s never experienced this issue with any other lover.
We should give thanks and praise to all the pioneering sex experts, amongst them Bettina Arndt – one of Australia’s first sex therapists, and Naomi Wolf – political activist and author of The Beauty Myth and the afore-mentioned Vagina, and all those that came (no pun intended) before and after. It is because of them that we are all talking freely about vaginas over lattes these days. In many conversations with my girlfriends about oral sex, the one thing that always comes up is this undeniable fact – Love me, love my Vagina! Most women I know love to receive it, as well as to return the favour. What’s not to like?
For any guys reading this, most women can tell if a man actually likes performing oral sex or not. It’s a hard gig to fake. For most red-blooded women there is nothing more disconcerting than a man who chooses to perform cunnilingus (okay, I just love saying that word, I confess. Say it with me. Cunn-i-lin-gus…great word!), only to carry it out like it’s perfunctory or obligatory! It’s like watching a vegan being served up a steak! (No offence to my vegan friends. I so hope that didn’t put anyone off their vagina!).
The very lovely Producer graciously shared a few of his male truths with me, though I’m going to stress that it was in generalized terms – he wasn’t writing me a personal reference!
Imagine that: To whom it may concern…The Good Girl has a lovely vagina and she…Oh damn, no!
What he particularly loved about oral sex is that it was, he felt, a guaranteed orgasm for a woman. Being caring and sharing, he pointed out that while some women come during vaginal penetration; the vast majority of chicks do not. Oral, he said, was a sure-fire way to make sure his paramour was being satisfied. He confirmed what I was most curious about – that men who like oral delight in the whole experience – the smell, the taste, the idea of simply having your tongue between the thighs of a woman.
“It’s the go-to button. When you get a woman to cum, it’s great for your ego,” he explained, “If you do it really well, you can keep making her cum until she begs you to stop.” Oh, indeed!
He shared with me a deliciously funny story also. He’d once had oral sex with a long-term partner and made a conscious decision to not wash his face afterwards knowing full well they were meeting up with friends. He took great delight in kissing a female friend on the cheek knowing that the lingering smell of pussy was on his face. Honestly, that is so damn wicked, but a whole lot funny! In his own mind (and only in his mind) it was like the sneaky hint of a threesome for that one delicious moment.
There is nothing sexier than a partner who likes to treat you with long, lingering oral sex – especially if they happen to be gifted in this field! What is awesome is that some men just love it. They can’t get enough of it.
Men – just like women – have particular preferences when it comes to giving and getting head. Some like it slow and steady, some like it rough and fast. Some like hands or teeth, or sex toys and for some that is a big no-go. Girls are the same. Slow, fast, rough, fingers, teeth…spits, swallows…whatever floats your boat. The trick is being honest if and when it’s not floating your boat for any reason! As long as it’s all consensual fun, it’s all good in the corridors of the Confessional.
And here’s something else to consider! While there has been a lot of chitty chat going on for years about the good old G spot (I like to call it the gosh-spot), I recently read up on a new phenomenon called ESR or Extended (or expanded) Sexual Response. What’s it all mean? ESR is defined as “being able to attain long-lasting and/or prolonged and/or multiple and/or sustained orgasms and/or status orgasms that lasted longer and more intense than the classical orgasm patterns”. Woo Hoo! I’ll have what she’s having!
So it turns out, that if you are one of the lucky women who are blessed with having consistent multiple orgasms, and a lot of them, you are likely to have ESR, or a very adept partner…or you may have hit pay dirt and you’re a combination of both! Apparently women with ESR have reported being in an altered state of consciousness when in the throes of passion. (Well multiple orgasms would do that to you). They are more likely to be uninhibited and more likely to be physically and emotionally in-tune with their partners. Oral sex then, must be off the chart!
In terms of erogenous zones for a woman – the most obvious are the clitoris and the G spot so it makes sense that oral sex is a much-loved activity. Less known are the A spot and the U spot! What, I hear you ask? More fun places?! I know, right?!
Okay, I don’t want to go all love-doctor here, but I think it’s worth a bit of an explanation.
The U-spot is located near the opening to the urethra (located just above the vaginal opening, above the lips.) Apparently if stimulating the u-spot gets you all hot under the collar, you might be u-sensitive. (I love that term because you should be you-sensitive!). The A-spot is deep within the vaginal wall and apparently stimulation here makes you…well, wet. So if you happen to like deep penetration, this may be why! (This is why a lot of women appreciate handy work during oral sex…wink, wink).
Honestly, I so love Google. Is there nothing you can’t find? While looking into erogenous zones, I even came across (no pun intended!) instructional video footage on YouTube. If you feel so inclined you can spend some time with your computer. Back to the subject at hand, (or mouth…you get the drift)…
What seems to be a common thread amongst gal pals I’ve spoken about oral sex (affectionately called O.S.) over many bottles of wine, and gales of laughter, is that girls love when a man simply wants to go down on her. Apart from the obvious physical pleasure, it’s also the perception that he’s open and giving of himself. It’s an unselfish act. Talking to both female and male pals about this, both sides agreed that the art of giving pleasure and seeing your partner in raptures is a beautiful thing.
For one guy I know, the ultimate was getting a woman to come while she was giving him oral. What was wicked and incredible was that he managed to get her there just by talking dirty to her, and she came at the same time he ejaculated. This is a rarity, so don’t start freaking out! Believe me, I’ve asked around and it doesn’t happen often, but apparently if two people are crazy in sync, it can happen! The rarity was the obvious turn on – but to achieve easier joint orgasm, you can always try the good old 69 position. (If you’re unsure, think Yin Yang).
Sex for me is like wine. You don’t need to be an expert to know what you like!
So the only advice I’ll give to my gorgeous friend and anyone else who is being thwarted in their efforts to give and/or receive, is to actually talk about it with your partner. Find out why it’s not their thing. There may be some cultural beliefs that interfere and some people are concerned about hygiene, or they have deeply held beliefs, or fears. One friend confided in me that she got a little too excited when giving a previous boyfriend a blow job and actually bit him hard enough to draw blood. He was very gun-shy after that, understandably. Ouch!
Oh and just this week the actor Michael Douglas announced that his throat cancer was indeed caused not by years of drinking and smoking, but by cunnilingus. I’m sure his wife Catherine Zeta-Jones was thrilled with that public declaration! I doubt it will dampen our enthusiasm for oral sex.
It’s also worth checking out with your partner (male or female) if they have preferences regarding how you style your pubic hair…some people like nude and some do not. A lovely introverted friend of mine said that being “unprepared” can cause some distress if your partner decides to spontaneously go diving. Think of that classic scene from Sex in the City movie when Miranda goes all la bush in a bathing suit.
If your partner is really not into it, ask yourself if you are satisfied in other ways, or this a deal breaker? Hit the internet, as there are mountains of books on the art of oral sex (see a couple below, just for example!).
If you really love it, or you really don’t, by all means share your stories with us!
In the meantime I say to thee, Fellatio, fellatio…where forth art thou….(You know that’s what Juliette was really thinking, right?).
“Oral Sex she’ll never forget: 50 Positions and techniques that will make her orgasm like she never has before.” – Sonia Borg
“Guide to Eating Out – the Lick-by-Lick guide to mouth-watering and orgasmic oral sex.” – Palmer Strong
- For information on sexual related issues, please consult experts, pretty please.
- Also, it is possible to contract STD’s via oral sex people, so please be careful!
© 2013 The Good Girl Confessional