Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them.
– Tiffanie DeBartolo (Dream for an insomniac)
For the most part I don’t believe we can decide who we fall in love with. Yes, we can choose to be with someone but love is an entirely different proposition.
When I met the Producer, he was different from anyone else I had ever met. He still is! In fact he was the polar opposite to what I had assumed was my type.
There was nothing safe about this guy in the traditional white-picket-fence sense. There was nothing vanilla or ordinary. He was all leather jacket, Ray Ban wearing, sex on legs. There was something quite primal in the way he looked at me. Something slightly dangerous in the way he touched me.
He doesn’t whisper sweet nothings in my ear as much as lustful intentions. Sexually adventurous, he didn’t hide his predilections from me. He’s left of centre and passionately left wing with socialist views. He’s a little bit Elvis in that if he finds something he likes, be it food, clothing or whatever, he can be a bit obsessive. I’ve never known a man to have so many coats and jackets!
He called me Picket Fence and I called him Inner City. He held my hand and I willingly followed him down the rabbit hole of sweet, crazy, steaming hot, passionate lust, and then love. Though I find him incredibly sexy, carnal lust doesn’t equal love.
I fell in love with his complexity. He’s intelligent and insightful. He views the world through contradictory eyes. On one hand he sees the beauty and fragility of the world, on the other he views things with cynicism. He’s all rock star aloof one day, dreamy poetic lover the next. He’s well read and has an insatiable appetite for books. He’s funny as all hell. Political and witty. He is all at once a creature of routine and spontaneous.
He’s a loner. I’m social. He’s a Pisces while I’m a Leo. He’s an introvert who values space and solitude, while I’m an extrovert born to communicate and nurture. I clean house and he’s relaxed about such things. I’m a definitive planner while he changes his mind often. I love flowery words of love and romance. He likes to get to the point.
We are however both homebodies at heart. We both like affection. We both like the theatre and live gigs. We both like music. We love animals and we like day trips that involve nature. We like to meditate. He got me back into the pool after too many years and had me swimming laps! We love taking the dog to the beach. We share a love of great food (and not so great food!).
Ours is, I have come to learn, a passionate and fiery love. Sometimes deeply intense, and other times not. It’s challenging and at times confusing, but it is extraordinary. Not all love is meant to be easy.
Sometimes love is big. It’s messy and complex. I have realised that my former loves were built on a foundation of playing it safe. My former marriage probably had longevity for that very reason. Did we challenge each other to grow or step outside of our comfort zones? No, but what I needed back then was a sense of safety and security. I wanted white picket fences, mowed lawns and a traditional marriage. Had I met the Producer when I was younger I most certainly would have run the other way. Even meeting him when I did, I was scared by the intensity. I was just more willing to feel the fear and do it anyway. My heart at that stage should have been a closed door to love and the possibilities that come with it. At first there was safety in thinking he wouldn’t commit, and that I wasn’t ready to.
Ah, but then the heart knows what it wants and it’s difficult to negotiate with a heart once it starts yearning for another! I trusted the Producer early on when all of my past experiences should have left me guarded. We told each other intimate parts of our lives from the beginning. We confided in one another. We bared our souls. He was more guarded than I. He still is, but he has shown me vulnerability. He has a gentleness and a sweetness he shows me that I know he will not easily show the world. He can be generous and kind. Sweet and loving.
Though he’s not overtly romantic, he still gives me goosebumps when he brushes my skin with his hand. He can stop my breath by kissing my neck. He still makes me laugh, sometimes uncontrollably. He can make me hot and heavy with a simple gaze and a little smirk he has. He can ease my worries with warm hugs. He can make my heart skip a beat by kissing my lips gently. I swear sometimes when he’s happy and smiles genuine warmth in my direction, my knees go a little weak. I get girly when he reaches out and holds my hand. When we make love I am sincerely lost in the moment.
History is strewn with the tales of great untamed love. The type of no holds barred love affairs that shake the very foundations of desire. The never play it safe, slightly dangerous love that leaves mediocrity in its wake.
Anthony and Cleopatra, Napoleon and Josephine, Prince Edward and Wallace Simpson, Frida Khalo and Diego Rivera all shared incredible insatiable love affairs. They were all madly, deeply and crazy in love. Their love affairs were never easy, speckled with volatility but also enduring commitment to each other.
Because that’s the thing about truly intense love affairs. You can’t feel that fire and expect to not feel the burn occasionally . When you are genuinely invested in another human, sometimes you will get hurt. Sometimes you will feel exasperated and at times you may want to throw in the towel. Love requires steady hard work. It requires compromise and communication. Feelings so deep mean that harsh words are felt more deeply. That rejection burns more deeply.
On the other side, what intense love brings to the table, is feelings so beautiful and deep, you long to swim in them forever. It brings passion, lust, caring, nurturing and understanding. It brings life lessons and learning. It brings growth so intense your soul is deeply and forever changed.
I believe that when you share a love that is complex, if you can walk through the challenges, you will come out stronger, with a deeper understanding of one another. Diamonds after all are forged from carbon under extreme temperatures and pressure!
Intense love touches your heart in a way that mediocrity simply can’t. It isn’t always easy but it’s so beautiful when it is. We all yearn to love and be loved, and all that entails. I want real, honest, big messy love. There is some safety even within that.
Love in itself is a risk. There are no guarantees when you let your guard down and let someone in. Is it not better to risk your heart then to something incredible knowing you have left an indelible mark on one another’s soul than to risk it to something less so?