“Sexual desire is a state not unlike hunger.” – Mary Roach
I was recently having lunch with two women, one on her forties and the other in her early thirties. Both of them are on dating sites. Both are out on the dating scene, and the conversation turned to a question which always plagues women.
Should you sleep with a guy on the first date?
There is no denying that thanks to women’s liberation and the sexual revolution that things have come a long way and yet women are still battling the double standards in our society that reinforce that what might be good for the goose, is apparently not so good for the gander, especially when it comes to sexuality.
It’s hard to believe that in this day and age Sleeping with a guy on your first date is still a decision women agonise over. It’s often seen as taboo.
While a man can sleep with as many women as he chooses and be labelled with monikers such as “stud”, “ladies’ man”, or at worst “player”, women who enjoy sleeping with men as still considered to be “sluts”, “whores”…or worse. And there are men who would never say that, but a lot who will think it.
While it’s easy for me to say this kind of judgment is antiquated and ridiculous, the reality is that both men and women are indoctrinated to believe it on some level. Seriously, women who sleep with a dude on a first date will often feel like crap the next day, wondering what he now thinks. Will be call me now? Yes, even educated, evolved women.
Which really sucks, right?
So, gorgeous 30’s chick recently went on a date with a guy she’d met on an Internet site. They had chatted a lot via text and spoken on the phone prior to the date. By all accounts, it was a great first date. The conversation and laughter flowed easily and when they parted there was a sweet kiss and talk of catching up soon. There was a lot of chemistry going on. She really liked him in that butterflies-in-your-stomach kind of way.
“I was walking away but then the bad me came out,” Miss 30’s told me, “I sent him a text asking if he’d like to come back to my place”. I assured it there’s nothing “bad” about a woman propositioning a man! (See what I’m saying about the indoctrination though!).
So they had sex on the first date and it was apparently great and he stayed the night. Now her dilema. While the next day he sent her the obligatory polite text, beyond that he went cold. And then silent. She sent him a message asking if he would like to catch up…and received no response.
Why? Because deep down, there is still this notion that a woman who sleeps with you on a first date must be “easy”, and must be gagging for it every chance she gets. Which is certainly not true. And news flash, women that do only want sex, and are not interested in finding a partner, are usually up front about it. There are plenty of sites if that’s what you want, right?
I can’t of course speak for all women, but most women I’ve spoken to about this are more inclined to feel physically attracted to a guy if they connect on an emotional or spiritual level. Making a women feel relaxed and making her laugh is a great aphrodisiac. Here’s the big question though. Would her date have been more inclined to catch up again with her had she not slept with him?
It’s hard to say. There were red flags. He told her he had been on the dating sites “for years”. Hmmm. If his profile said he was looking for a relationship and he’s not partnered up with anyone in years, he could be a serial dater. Perhaps it had nothing to do with her sleeping with him?
I’ve not had enough one night stands to conduct a conclusive case study but I’ve had enough experience to assume that there is some truth that men enjoy the thrill of the chase.
I do believe men who are genuinely looking for a relationship enjoy the mystery of a woman. They want what seems a little out of reach, and elusive. The harder they have to work to have a women, the greater the reward when they do. Which is why they enjoy getting to know us as we do them.
Obviously this isn’t necessarily true if they are looking for something more casual. When looking for a life partner though, men want a woman who values herself. Sadly, unconsciously perhaps, men think women with too much experience have lower self esteem or values.
When I asked the Producer about this once, he said, “Men like a woman who’s had enough partners to be experienced, but not so many partners that you assume she’s a slut”. He wasn’t saying that’s his belief but he pointed out what a lot of men think.
When the gorgeous Ms 40’s weighed in, she commented that this is true of men regardless of their age. The same thing has happened to her when first-night-sex had meant no-more-date city. She rightly pointed out that as women, we have sexual urges and desires but we are penalised if we show our hand too early. Her conclusion was that if you really like a guy and want a relationship, it’s wise to hold back. I like to call it the Three Date Rule. When I first started dating after separating from my ex, I had this Three Date Rule theory. Of course that didn’t always work…but nor did it work with the guys I was dating! It’s important here to note that I didn’t sleep with every guy I dated. Far from it. Even if I was attracted to them. I did however need to learn from experience.
I learnt that I’m not into one night stands. Most women aren’t. Sleeping with a guy on a first night is more about human attraction and believing you will see them again. There is something about spontaneous rip your clothes off sex for sure. Especially if it’s been a long time between drinks and there is crazy chemistry flying across the table. Ah, but how do you feel the next day? Especially if he doesn’t call?
By the time I met the Producer, I was a little wiser and we actually went on many dates before we slept together. It organically happened that way. We had many lunches and after work catch ups. It progressed to dinner and sexy sleepovers.
I was ready for a relationship by then. Mind you, I was always wearing sexy lingerie on those dates because, well, I was incredibly attracted to him and a girl should always be prepared! By the time we got physical it was intensely hot. The anticipation led to a lot of sizzle.
There are of course men out there who think first date sex is irrelevant to whether he will date you or not, but the argument sadly seems weighted in the other direction. I know people who absolutely did fuck on the first date and remained loved up years later. There is no hard and fast (excuse the pun!) rule here.
I’d love to hear about your experiences with first date sex? Did he hang around or did he disappear? Or do you wait? To shag or not to shag on a first date – that is the question!