It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.
Helen Fielding (Bridget Jones’ Diary)
My heart runneth over this week. With love, but on the flip side – with shock and disbelief.
My relationship with the Producer is going brilliantly. Which is so amazing and wonderful. On the flip side, this week I lost my job…
My life right now in many ways seems so brilliant. My kids are well and happy and apart from Mr 13 not doing enough homework (but that’s another story), the home fires are burning quite nicely.
On the romance front, things are going really well with the Producer. “Well” seems such a lame way to explain it.
In the past week, the Producer has surprised and amazed me.
In the wake of being told my job was redundant, he sent me long stemmed red roses which were boxed and beautiful. I never expected that. Never. These are the first flowers received from him and they are stunning. I cried a little.
Beyond the flowers though, he had spent hours on the phone with me. Talking and making me laugh and soothing me. I was shell shocked and feeling desolate and he simply talked and allowed me to.
He spent Mothers Day night with all my children and I, having dinner. In fact I asked him for help to carve the meat and realised what a white picket fence moment that was! I just needed help in the kitchen and didn’t stop to think about the symbolism of “man slices the family roast” until he pointed it out!
He’s not used to slicing the roast, physically or metophorically. I have to say he did a great job on both fronts.
On my first jobless day we went for weekday breakfast in beautiful Yarraville. We went to see day time movies in Carlton and ate Italian food in the middle of the day. I didn’t have a job to be at and it was a beautiful Autumn day.
He told me beautiful things spoken from his heart and bravely shared to my ears. Things I never thought nor dreamed I might hear from him. He left me with no doubt about his love for me. Then he said this.
Being with you feels like coming home.
I cried. Tears of joy and love. No one has ever said that to me before, but what astounded me was that I’ve used those very words to describe how I feel for him. I have told friends that being near him is like coming home.
That feeling of knowing someone – not just things about them but their soul and their heart. Feeling safe enough to be your authentic self. Knowing they will love you anyway. Knowing you can express affection and feelings without judgement. Feeling warm and safe curled up in bed with them, talking or in silence. That for me is the feeling of coming home.
My day job of course pays my bills. The rent, the utilities and food on the table. As a single parent, that’s so important. I don’t have family to lean on, so being suddenly jobless is scary. The Producer told me he was there and if I needed anything, he would help. I’m independent and I need to provide for myself and my kids.
It was sudden, the redundancy. Cuts announced at work at 9.30, and I was told within the hour one of those positions was mine.
I’ve gone through a grieving process. Logically I’ve tried to sooth my battered pride by assuring myself that it’s not personal. It’s corporate bottom line stuff – but I’m not a spreadsheet. I’m human.
I was so sad and I’ve cried a lot of tears. It’s sad to leave the people I’ve worked with for so long, but for me it’s more than that. This was my first job when my business was sold and my ex left the marriage. This job represents my first moment of single independence when the marriage ended.
This job helped to give me purpose to get out of bed everyday and put my heels and red lipstick on and provide for my kids. I was scared about having no money and how I was going to support my family and this job was the answer. No one at work knew my ex had left me for some time. That was a blessing – I didn’t need to talk about it.
When I did tell people they rallied and supported me and gave advice from past experiences, and hugged me or made me coffee. So many friendships were forged there and I’m forever grateful.
So now here I am. Suddenly very much NOT single, but suddenly unemployed! The federal budget was announced this week with all of its gruesome cuts but I’m trying to remain positive. I will lick my wounds and pull up my big girl panties.
I am putting together my resume and I am applying for jobs. I remind myself that if I can get through the last 3.5 years then this should be a cake walk! I am surrounded by great kids, beautiful supportive friends and a man who loves me as I do him.
I’m grateful to the friend who picked me up that night, cooked me dinner and let me get drunk. I’m grateful for the friend who gave me a gift bag filled with make up and perfume so I could feel divine at job interviews, and I’m grateful to friends who have caught up with me or offered to – who text and call me and check in on me. Im grateful to an amazing friend who also lost her job that day but still managed to offer me advice. I’m always aware how lucky I am.
Perhaps it sounds cliched, but I do believe when one door closes, another opens. The universe no doubt has a plan for me and I’m trying to surrender to the process and just get on with it. I’ve survived far greater disappointments than this.
A beautiful friend told me on Wednesday that when she was made redundant from a former position, it forced her to think of things in a way she couldn’t when she was comfortable in her job. I think that’s wise and true of all of us. I need to think outside the square perhaps. The Producer reminded me of what is most important in this life are the people in it, not the role you perform or the job that pays our bills. Jobs will come and go.
In the meantime I’ll write…and have great sex! Hey, it could always be worse, right?
You can’t keep a Good Girl down for long.