Writing a blog about singledom, dating, and relationships means that, apart from confessing all my adventures and foibles, I also hear a lot of tales from others as well! Not just chicks either, although it’s true that the majority of my readers are in fact women. I have some great guys following The Good Girl Confessional also and it’s always great to read their comments or hear from the male collective as well!
Let’s face it – elements of being single can be really exciting, but sometimes it’s not all fun and games. Sometimes being single sucks big time!
I’ve been hearing a lot lately about tales of “ghosting”. Not ghouls that go bump in the night, mind you. Ghosting is the new moniker given to dumping someone by never communicating with them again. I mean, who hasn’t said that out loud…”And then I never heard from him/her again?”
In the new world order of on-line dating, it seems to be common place. It’s kind of a lazy and immature means of ending things though, and I’m certainly not immune to the experience. I actually met up with a guy once who happened to be the brother of an old high school friend. Okay, that could have been really awkward but luckily we took one look at each other and burst into laughter. It was pretty funny and what are the chances you’d meet someone on line that you actually knew in real life? Pretty slim I would think. We hadn’t seen each other in years and hadn’t recognised each other from on-line pictures. Just weird.
Dinner ensued and we talked endlessly about old times. He told me he’d had a crush on me back in our high school years (he was two years younger and went to a different school than me) and there was some chemistry and perhaps a little flirting. So he sent me some really nice text messages and I replied. He called me several times and the conversation was easy. The text messages went on for a couple of weeks before I said we should perhaps meet up again. The silence was deafening…and, you guessed it, I never heard from him again! Honestly, I wouldn’t have minded if he’d suggested we just be friends or even if he told me he was seeing someone else. It’s not like I was invested! It was just one dinner! I considered myself ghosted.
Oh, and let’s talk about the Pilot I dated for a little while. Sure, he was cute and affable and every time we caught up for dinner we talked easily. He consistently told me that I was attractive and funny and he’d text saying things like “I can’t wait to see you again”, and send me pictures of him flying a plane (as you do)…Apart from the one kiss, it never progressed beyond dinner catch ups however and one day he simply stopped all communication. There was no explanation, and I sure as hell wasn’t go to chase him!
Talking to lots of single chicks, as I do, it seems largely to be a male thing. Recently my friend Naina decided to take the plunge back into on-line dating after a break up 5 months ago. She was contacted by a good looking, quirky professional and emails followed…and then he simply stopped all communication. Okay, thankfully they hadn’t met yet but I think you can already tell the nature of a person by their early communication…or in the absence of it.
Guys, I have to say this. It’s just really bad manners, and makes you look like a dick! I mean, Dude…really?
When I was single, I went on dates with a couple of guys that I didn’t feel any connection with, or some I wasn’t attracted to (you can’t be everyone’s cup of tea and vice versa) and always I was polite and sent a text saying thank you but I didn’t feel we had enough in common. I always thought that was far more polite and kind than simply not replying to someone’s text messages! Most guys took that really well and appreciated the honesty. (Sure some didn’t but I still felt better that I’d handled it with a bit of grace).
Another lovely friend of mine, the Pocket Rocket, who is also on-line recently went out on a date. It all went well and there were follow up text messages, but then he contacted her and told her that she was lovely but he’d met someone else. Good for him, and she was grateful to hear it rather than being left hanging. Well done, dude! She wished him all the best and genuinely hoped it would work out for him.
Ghosting can happen at any stage, by the way. It can happen after the first date but I’ve heard stories of this happening months down the track. I think if you are sleeping with someone surely they deserve a quick catch up, or at the very least a phone call to explain that it’s not working out for you? Right? While we’re on the bad behaviour front, I don’t think texting someone to break up with them is particularly cool either. This isn’t just a guy thing either. I admit, I have taken the easy road out and sent text messages though I’m not proud of that.
In fact some time ago I dated a community lawyer and it was pretty obvious that we were at very different stages in terms of emotional availability. He fell hook, line and sinker for me and I was flattered but he fell so quickly that I wonder if it was a McDonald’s love. That is, was it just that he wanted to be in love so much that I could have been any generic chick – just add water and hey presto! Instant relationship? He was a great guy, abandoning his very well to do Sydney roots to work in community law in Collingwood. He was an inner city, scruffy hipster who was passionate about his work, sang opera for fun and liked to talk like he was a vaudevillian. He was spontaneous and hyperactive and sincerely wanted to take me to Spain, all expenses paid.
Me: Dude we haven’t even slept together and what if we don’t like each other?
Him: What can go wrong? It’s Spain! We’ll drink, we’ll eat and if we hate each other – it’s Spain!
In short, he was funny and intelligent but I just wasn’t feeling it. I’m far too ethical to accept fully paid trips over seas from a guy I was hesitant to date.
I met him after one of the break ups with the Producer, a long time ago.
I was trying to move on. I thought that ship had sailed and I was licking my wounds and wondering what the hell happened with my Inner City guy. The poor lawyer happened along. He wanted more than I was willing to give. He ticked some boxes for me sure, but I just couldn’t go there, and I was confused by my own reluctance. In the end when he’d sent me endless text messages trying to figure out why I wasn’t returning calls, I sat on my couch in tears and sent him a text. Which was lame and he totally deserved more, and I did tell him that.
My tears were not about the lawyer which made me feel even worse! It was the first time I realised I was actually in love with the Producer, and for that reason I was struggling to move on. I hadn’t admitted it to myself before then. Yep never great to realise you’ve fallen in love with someone after you’ve stopped seeing them!
I’ve always felt terrible for how I handled things with the community lawyer. It was never serious but he clearly hoped it would be given time. So, having been on both sides of that fence, I have never done that again and nor would I. It’s just crap!
I’m sure we’ve all at one time or another handled break ups badly but I do think that ghosting is just seriously shocking, especially once you’re been intimate with someone! I think you really should call the person and be kind and honest. It’s not rocket science! Pick up the phone guys, or better yet have the balls to face the person and be gentle!
Break ups aren’t easy and I get that but someone evaporating like a mirage in the desert is worse! It’s just behaving badly.