20140221-135203.jpg

I would never disrespect any man, woman, chick or child out there. We’re all the same. What goes around comes around, and Karma kicks us all in the butt at the end of the day.

– Angie Stone.

Okay so maybe the world was a little out of kilter this week, or the moons and planets didn’t align, or the waves and tides just fell out of sync.  I’m not really sure but while my horoscope promised a weekend filled with lashings of romance and fun and financial windfalls, turns out I had a shit few days!

Yes, it’s true. I have a strange habit of reading my horoscopes on a daily basis. Do I live by them? No, I don’t – though sometimes they do make me laugh. I remember when I was single (okay – which wasn’t that long ago!) my horoscope said I would be the centre of attention at more than one party and that people would find me alluring. That particular weekend I stayed at home alone getting dirt under my fingernails as I unweeded my unruly garden and didn’t get a single invite to anything. Fuck you astrology! Reading them is for me a habitual ritual. I have a few quirky ones!

On the week end my plans with the Producer fell through and I wasn’t a happy little camper. I didn’t win any lotteries either. Then my ex-husband, the Taurus, called me to tell me he was having a baby with his new partner. Yes, you read that correctly. A baby.

In that moment I seriously looked to the sky and thought, what the hell are you doing Karma?! Have you got the wrong address?!

When the Taurus left, well-meaning people told me that what goes around comes around and that Karma would one day catch up with him. Of course they said this to make me feel better, not because they wished any ill on the Taurus. Well, I’m not sure what karma has been doing with her days but my ex certainly doesn’t seem to be on the agenda! In two short years he met someone, orchestrated a rushed divorce so he could propose to her, had two overseas holidays, bought a house and a new car…and now he’s having a baby despite them being in their mid-40’s. I felt like it was the final blow. Like he wanted the same life, he simply didn’t want me in it. In hindsight and after the initial shock wore off, I know it is far more complicated than that – and I’m not sure I will ever fully understand what happened to my marriage. Nor do I need to.

Now I’m not saying that my life has all been bad either – in the last 3 years I pieced myself back together, had some pretty amazing experiences, I’ve met amazing people, gone to Italy on literally a wing and a prayer which liberated my soul, and I met the Producer – rode the roller coaster with him and fell in love. I started writing again and created The Good Girl Confessional and have met some amazing creative souls. I have incredible kids who have inspired me to be a better person. Amazing friends who rallied when my life was falling apart, and who support me with my current life.

Still, I can’t help but feel ripped off. The end of my marriage left me with a shattered heart, a credit rating shot to hell, no home and no cash in the bank. It was a terrifying position to find myself in when I’d always worked (I wasn’t a stay at home mum) and I’d been working since I was 14! (I worked as check out chick in high school and later as a waitress in an inner city café all the way through High School).   I was suddenly single…and a single parent. I rented a nice house in an area I didn’t want to stay in, so my kids could have consistency with their school and their friends while the ex-husband simply moved on. Which is very often the way these things work out.

The Producer needed to reschedule plans on the weekend. In the big scheme of things it isn’t the end of the world. What it highlighted for me was some fears I have. I felt rejected and not valued, though that was never his intention. When it comes to matters of the heart, I’m not great at asking for what I need or what.

When I walked back into this with the Producer, I made a decision to do things differently than I had in the past. To discuss things that bothered or upset me…and yet I have continued to hold back. I’m in my 40’s so I get that a lot of what we do is habitual. Having said that, I’ve changed so much in the last 3 years though that I also understand how much people can change, if they are open and willing to do so.

So while the week end was a blow out, it allowed me to open up more to the Producer and in turn I hope, built a little more mutual understanding and trust. We both have hearts previously bruised by others that have been given time to heal. I stepped out of my comfort zone a little more, and actually felt better for it.

As for Karma? Well she works in mysterious ways I imagine. Life may not have led me where I thought I’d be going, but it has taken me to places I’d never have dreamt I’d visit. I’m in love with a very cool dude that is like no one I’ve ever known before. My kids are happy and healthy. I’m writing and I’m loving it.

This assures me a little that maybe Karma is a bit of a rock chic. She’s probably filing her nails and biding her time. Regardless, that’s her job, not mine. The grass is never greener on the other side. It’s just greener where you tend to it.