Be a Goddess in the kitchen and a sex kitten in the bedroom. – Mae West
Right before Christmas I published a blog post about playing dress ups. I can happily say that when I donned a sexy little Santa suit on Christmas Eve to surprise my man, that the Producer was very appreciative of my festive spirit! Nothing says Christmas like a sexy red costume adorned with feather trim, right?
Not everyone though was in agreement that dressing up in the bedroom is titillating good adult fun.
I got called a slut.
The comment sat there amongst other lovelier Facebook comments that had been made by awesome readers of the blog.
SLUT. Slut? The word swam around me head for a bit.
Maybe she meant it in a positive way? Perhaps it’s an anagram for Sexy Liberated Underestimated Talent?! Okay, probably not!
Now I could say that it didn’t affect me at all, but I would be lying. “Sticks and stones may break my bones but lies will never hurt me” is a soothing adage but the reality is usually different. It’s human nature to feel a little hurt by criticism. This particular criticism felt a tad harsh in my mind. I’m a huge believer that everyone is entitled to their opinion, absolutely, and I am also an advocate of freedom of speech.
After careful consideration I removed the comment from my page. Not because it affected me to look at it but because when I started the blog I had a very clear mandate in my mind that The Good Girl Confessional should be a place where not only was I able to talk about my life and my experiences from “behind the picket fence”, but so too could anyone else reading the page – without judgement – a safe place where other women, and now men too (well done guys) could discuss different issues. I value the feedback of readers but more than that I’m always touched when you share your stories with me.
Slut. It jarred against my being. It felt like it silently reproached me for being open about my sexuality. It felt a bit like an attack on both my femininity and my feminist views. Are women not meant to be sexual beings? Are we not meant to discuss it in public forums?
Yes, I’ve been accused of not being a feminist either – something that quite surprised me also at the time. It was when I was writing about the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon and my view that the book has legitimized “mummy porn” and allowed people to explore sexual activities that previously felt like an assault on the collective white picket fence ideals of what good girls were supposed to be doing in the bedroom. Damn it – this is 2014, not 1954.
I have of course stated this before but my view on feminism is thus. Being a feminist for me means that I can choose to be what I choose to be and also allows me the freedom to espouse views that I hold to be true; to be sexual in ways that I choose for myself in the bedroom (or any other room for that matter!). If I choose to be submissive in the bedroom for example, or dominant, then that is my right. If I choose to have a career, or to have children or not, or to write about my dating experiences – or to be in a relationship, or not – this is my right. I’m not advocating that everyone should live as I do – nor am I an advice column. My mother burnt her bra and marched for my right to choose a life for myself.
I am a feminine feminist. I simply share my truth. Sometimes it resonates with others in a positive way and occasionally it doesn’t!
Does it make me less of a feminist and more of a slut because I verbalised that I actually like sex? I’m thinking not.
Is my blog going to be everyone’s cup of tea? Hell no! Let’s face it, I’m writing about my experiences of having found myself single and all that entailed – including dating and sexual experiences. I’ve talked about my separation and divorce, and what it was like to have sex with someone else after years of being in a marriage.
Sure, I’ve shared experiences that some people felt they couldn’t talk about. Along the way, I’ve talked about oral sex (and the feedback was brilliant!) – and yes, I’ve quite liberally used the word Vagina (say it loud and proud ladies – we’ve all got one and it’s not a dirty word. VAGINA). I’ve discussed the fact that I like sex – and who doesn’t? It’s brilliant and amazing! I’ve discussed orgasms. I’ve discussed issues like fidelity, dating with kids, and more radical posts included discussions of sex toys, Shades of Grey and yep, getting your ass spanked!
I’ve shared, and I’m still sharing a journey of enlightenment and growth, of my fears and vulnerabilities, dating disasters and I’ve laughed at myself ( a lot!). I’ve exposed and shared my journey with the man in my life, The Producer, and the evolution of our relationship.
When I started writing the blog, it really was a cathartic and creative outlet for me. It didn’t initially occur to me that other people, other than perhaps my closest girlfriends, might ever read it. So it was quite a thrill to find that people stumbled across it and that what I was going through also resonated with others.
I’ve met so many amazing women through this blog who read my posts and then contacted me to share that they felt unified by similar experiences, or relieved that others shared their view on dating and sex. I’ve had heart-felt contact from some girls that felt they couldn’t discuss issues related to sex with their friends or family members, but were grateful they could read both my views and those of my readers.
That more than anything has been the most touching thing associated with writing again and sharing my experiences here for all to see. That anyone else is affected by the things I write about is humbling. There is something so amazing about feeling like I’m part of a community – a “sisterhood” of collective views and discussions.
Ah, so am I then a slut? What defines one as being so? I guess that is different for different people. Am I slutty if I choose to play dress ups in the bedroom and admit that I like the theatrics of sexual role play?
What I found most interesting was that the particular reader had been following the blog for quite some time. My more graphic posts hadn’t aroused such a reaction, which led me to another truism. What affects one person may not affect another. Something about that post made her feel very uncomfortable and while that would never be my agenda, it highlights that we as grown-ups and sexual beings all have our own set of blueprints.
An amazingly brave reader posted comments on the Facebook page about her personal experiences that she having an affair after I published a blog about infidelity. In the post I clearly started that I’d never had an affair so couldn’t speak from personal experience and I was incredibly touched by women that shared experiences of being cheated on, and equally by those that shared that they had cheated on their partners.
When the brave reader who shared her truth about having an affair left comments, a negative comment about her character surfaced on the Facebook page from another reader. I removed it and explained that The Good Girl Confessional was not about judgement of others, and that differing opinions will always be welcome (and I love them) but bullying and name calling wouldn’t.
It was the first time I’d been faced with that and I’m grateful that I established the value base so early on for the blog.
I’m really grateful that the Slut comment appeared on the page. It challenged me to look objectively at the reasons behind it. I doubt the person who made the comment knew I’d write a blog post about it! However, I accept that something about what I wrote affected them on a deep enough level that they felt the need to express their discontent.
I’ve had some incredible feedback from both readers who know me personally and those that haven’t physically met me, and I’m often called brave for writing the things I do.
I’ve never felt brave! I just share the ramblings of my life and in doing so, I’m humbled and touched when others are in any way touched or affected. If it makes someone feel a little more “normal” or accepted, or simply not alone – then that’s such a bonus. It’s brilliant! To have positive feedback is always lovely as a writer, for sure, just as it’s great to have people disagree and open up discussions!
So – is The Good Girl a slut? The answer of course is no, and maybe yes. Do I sleep around with multiple partners? No. Do I get paid to have sex? No. Though if I choose to be a lady in public and very, very naughty in private – (a Sexy Liberated Underestimated Talent), then I don’t feel a need to apologise!
I’m just a woman, like any other woman, who is navigating my life in the most authentic way I know how to. I am as my blog says, complex. I’m many things. I’m a working mother, a writer, a lover, a friend and daughter, and more recently I’m a partner.
I’m still human and all grown up. I have wants and desires, and I’m not afraid to discuss it. For all the gorgeous women and men who have taken the time to read about my journey and commented, I say thank you. There are worse things than being called a slut I’m sure! In the meantime this particular Good Girl is going to keep living and writing all about it! It took me a long time to be comfortable in my own skin. I never claimed to be an angel!
Happy New Year to one and all!
I’m so disappointed when women call each other these sort of names. To me it just reinforces old beliefs that woman can’t have an active or interesting sex life.
And, I’m glad you deleted the comment, particularly for anyone who might suddenly have felt awkward or embarrassed or wrong for their interest in the topic. You’ve sent the message that you don’t tolerate that sort of negativity or judgement.
Thanks is much for your feedback and I agree that it’s always interesting when women choose to talk to other women negatively. It’s so important that everyone feels like they can leave their opinion without name calling. We are all grow ups and sex is a part of life. Thanks so much for your opinion! Xx
Thank you so much for feedback! I agree that’s it’s always disappointing wife women choose to talk to other women with negativity. I think when we as a collective try to understand one another as unique beings, something wonderfully happens!
The Good Girl Confessional will always be a place where people can voice their opinions and feel safe to do so. People certainly don’t have to agree with me nor live their life as I live mine. That would be boring if we were all the same. Different points of view are interesting. In this instance, something clearly hit a nerve.
Thanks for your brilliant feedback! Xx
I’m so disappointed in ‘the sisterhood’. Like you say we are in 2014 not 1954. All I can say is that some people need a good slap. I am an older lady (56 to be precise) and I don’t find anything too sexually explicit about your blog. Although I haven’t had anyone call me names yet, I have had two friends go by the wayside because they find my blog to be “too personal” and imagine that I am writing about them in every single post I publish. It is so narrow minded and petty that I can’t be bothered with these so called friends anymore. You just remember that you can be the ripest juiciest peach in the world, but not everyone likes peaches!
Thank you so much Kathy! I love your blog posts also and I’ve been following 50 Shades of Age for some time now! I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had friends that had grown away since the blog. That must be tough.
It’s fascinating that as women we have spent decades fighting for equality and yet we are concerned still to embrace all aspects of being a woman – including our ability to enjoy sex and (gasp!) talk about it. Discussion about out views about womanhood and sexuality should be encouraged in this day and age. In order to change public opinions about female sexuality and more recently the on going issues of rape and victim blaming, surely it’s time to embrace discussions on all levels.
Thank you so much for your comments and your support! Viva la sisterhood. Xxx
If this reader had made an intelligent argument about WHY she disagreed with the idea of dressing up for a man you may not have agreed with her but you would have at least been able to have a conversation about it. By descending to name calling and judgement she closed the door on any conversation and therefore left you no choice but to remove the comment.
Well done for dealing with such a negative situation in such a positive way!
Thank you so much for the feedback and I agree – all conversation is welcome, and I would have been interested in hearing her objections. Thank you so much for taking the time to share. Xx
Some people just have too much time on their hands, and very little to do with it – so they go and make unwarranted comments on others’ lifestyles/habits/whatever. I myself have had a couple of comments on my social media platforms telling me that I’m uneducated or that I ‘try too hard’. I’ve tried to justify their reasons for such actions, but to no avail… So I just left the comments and moved on.
But props to you for dealing with it in such a mature fashion 🙂
Thank you so much for your comments! I think in life people are entitled to their opinions but if comments are made in a positive way, then discussions are opened. Sadly this time it wasn’t. I do understand my blog isn’t for everyone but it’s opened up a lot of dialogue which is brilliant! Good for you for being who you are! Xx
Some people just have too much time on their hands, and very little to do with it – so they go and make unwarranted comments on others’ lifestyles/habits/whatever. I myself have had a couple of comments on my social media platforms telling me that I’m uneducated or that I ‘try too hard’. I’ve tried to justify their reasons for such actions, but to no avail… So I just left the comments and moved on.
But props to you for dealing with it in such a mature fashion 🙂
Women judging women is the worst venom – it kills the sisterhood in more ways than one. Everyone has the right to form their their opinions, but it is never right to be rude, cruel and downright mean. I am certain none of this will stop you. As they say, the more famous you get, the more hate you receive as well. Can’t please everyone. The reason you do what you do is definitely not for them. Hugs x 🙂
Thanks so much for your insightful thoughts Shirley, and I agree that it’s never positive to the sisterhood when women judge other women. The amazing comments and feedback here is proof that a lot of women agree also. Thank you for the positive support! Xx
Cannot believe you got called a slut! If a woman (or man) choses to have consensual sex, with one or more people, then who are we to judge? (Unless they’re cheating, at which point that’s not very nice. But slut isn’t the right word still.)
I also hate that there are women who claim to be feminists who are slut-shamers! How dare they set back the sisterhood by ENCOURAGING such language! And it makes it ok for men to call us that too. They’re not helping the feminist cause. (Mind you, I occassionally call my male friends sluts and SHAME them for it, just to make them feel bad about calling me one – I even ask them if they have mummy issues and if that’s why they sleep around.)
It’s like when Miley Cyrus gets called a slut, I always say: “Because of what? Because she choses to wear skimpy outfits? I wish I had the body to wear the outfits she does!”
You’re not a slut – you’re wonderful! I love your blog and your liberal views of the world
Thank you gorgeous lady for your feedback and comments! It truly made me smile! All we can do is live and love as authentically as we can. I know people far more liberal than I just as I know people who have far more conservative views. You’re so right – name calling and shaming helps no one. Certainly expressing views is always welcome as I’ve said. Conversation is a beautiful thing! Ironically I’m in a relationship with the lovely Producer so “slut” seemed to be oddly timed! Thank you again for your comments. They are appreciated! Xx
I am sorry you got called a slut. I am not a fan of the word nor the connotations around it, nor am I a fan of slut-shaming.
I see you as a sexually confident woman, a great writer who is brave enough to write about your personal experiences.
I find that any criticism on the blog is hard to take. Yeah there’s the ‘switch off the computer’ argument, and sticks and stones… as you said, but when you put yourself out there and someone you don’t know (or do know) picks at your vulnerability, your words, your life, it can hurt.
Someone who claimed to know me outed me as boring and like cardboard in a comment after the Reddit scandal. I let the comment go through, to show how stupid they looked. I pretended to be confident and not let it phase me but them I was really racking my brain wondering who it was, whether they really knew me.
Blogging and these comments can play with our minds, no matter how strong we are.
Thanks Carly for your comments. I think your response to the Reddit scandal was brave and beautiful. Anyone who has read your work will know you are certainly NOT like cardboard!! On the contrary, you are brilliantly humorous and brave enough to show your vulnerability.
When I first saw the Slut comment, it shocked me. Then it hurt me. Then it just annoyed me and finally when I was writing about it, I found myself smiling because I realised, just as others have said since, it’s less about me and my words and more about the person who said it. If you don’t like something I’ve written, well that’s ok. To call me a slut? Extreme and really unnecessary.
You are so right. It’s hard to put yourself out there and share your words, your life and your opinions. I’m so sorry you had to go through the Reddit ordeal, and that people feel the need to be negative at all. You’re a successful writer in your own right. You smile. Miserable people are often annoyed by the happiness if others sadly.
Thank you so much beautiful for your encouragement and your support. Much love xx