sex is not a time to chat. In fact, it’s one of the few instances in my overly articulated, exceedingly verbal life where it is perfectly appropriate — if not preferable — to shut up. And now suddenly I have to worry about being stumped for conversation? — no thank you.

Miranda (Sex and the City)

Sssh

I have a bit of a confession to make…so what’s new, right?! How do I put this delicately? I can be, on occasion, a little…well…loud in the bedroom. There I’ve said it!

If I’m with the right partner and everything just clicks, I actually have a tendency to get lost in the throes of passion. In the getting lost, sometimes I’m sure my volume button is switched to high! I used to be quite conscious of it and make an effort to stifle myself. I went through a very quiet period, but in doing so I realised that I was far less in the moment. I wasn’t wholly present in the love-making experience because I was too busy worrying about it might come across if I was moaning a little too loudly.

When I met the Producer and started sleeping with him, all inhibitions flew out the window, from day one. As I’ve said before, there was an instant level of trust which I find hard to explain. It’s a rare thing. It was and is brilliant and liberating…but perhaps not so much for his long-suffering housemate!

The Producer shares his home with a male friend, and I must say that the first time I faced the housemate in the morning light, there was the sudden awful realisation that he must have heard everything because really, I hadn’t been terribly discreet! I felt a little embarrassed, and I’m sure it showed on my face. He was certainly cool about it but I’m sure I saw him smirk just a little!

When I first started dating my ex husband, the Taurus, twenty years ago I was sharing a house with a girlfriend and I have to say that one night she literally banged on the dividing wall between our rooms and shouted “Damn you guys! Keep it down.” I was mortified! I had no idea we were making a lot of noise. We were in our twenties, loved up and sexed up. We collapsed into embarrassed laughter.

Of course I got my own back when she brought home her man although I was downstairs I heard the obvious sounds of sex happening upstairs…and if I tend to moan loudly, she was incredibly vocal! Now I know she wasn’t religious but she certainly was shouting out quite a lot to God and Jesus. Occasionally she threw in her man’s name for good measure…so he didn’t feel too left out.

I joked with her in the morning and she never complained about my noise levels again!

It’s an interesting dynamic when you share your place with a friend, and especially with children. How many people modify their behaviour if there is another person in the house? How many people are able to modify their behaviour, even if they wanted to?

I imagine if you were staying with parents that might be an incentive to be as quiet at a church mouse. Who wants to face your man’s parents after a torrid night of unbridled lust that shook windows and woke their neighbours?! Oh dear God, no!

I have friends who have been married for some time who explained that having sex has never been hindered by having their children. Granted the children’s bedrooms are placed at the opposite end of the house to theirs, but they said they’ve never really thought much about changing their behaviours in the bedroom when their kids came along. Yes, but are you loud? Middle of the road.

Another friend told me that once her children were past the toddler stage they completely modified their sexual behaviour. She is quite paranoid about making sure the kids are asleep and she is much more conscious of noisy coming out of the bedroom.

There is no right or wrong here, of course.

It’s not just women making noise either! I recently met a woman who was telling me about her dating tales. In her late 40’s, she said she’d met a guy 8 years her junior and everything was going great. She stressed that he had a great body and was well endowed but she said during sex, regardless of positions, he grunted very loudly. From the start to the end. She said the sex was incredible and although it took a bit of getting used to (previously all of her lovers had been relatively quiet), it ceased to bother her. At the very least, she knew he was enjoying himself!

A friend of mine told me that she was friends with benefits with a guy who talked incessantly during. I was in fits of laughter when she told me that the only time he shut up was when he had his face between her thighs! Of course, she encouraged that kind of behaviour. I enquired what he might be saying the entire time. Dirty talk of course! I was pleased to hear he wasn’t talking about the weather! She said curiously, he never said her name. He used generic terms such as ‘babe’ or ‘honey’. She suspected there were many women in his life and he had learnt not to say names out loud in case he got it wrong!

Speaking of which, I actually know a guy who did just that! Not long after the break-up of his marriage he launched himself not so much into dating, but into that I’m-newly-single-and-I’m-going-to-sleep-around mode which is quite common especially with men. He met a gorgeous creature and they’d seen each other several times. The company was good, the sex was great and then one morning he rolled over, wrapped his arm around her and proceeded to call her by his ex-wife’s name! Ouch! Needless to say she got up and left and she didn’t return his calls. Clearly it was an unconscious slip up but not too cool for the woman involved! Oops.

Thankfully no one has ever called me by the wrong name. I imagine it would be quite disconcerting.

For some men noise, and dirty talk is a massive turn on. Like everything else sexual, what works for some doesn’t work for others. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea. Once the Producer whispered “ssshhh” in my ear and I have to say it had quite the reaction. I had to bite my lip pretty hard and it did intensify the experience.

If you happen to be quiet by nature, there are of course many other tell-tale signs that you are finding sex to be pleasurable. Everyone knows that. I have a friend who is very talkative outside of the bedroom and apparently very quiet when it comes to getting her freak on. She feels it is the intensity of sex that silences her. What about during orgasm? Barely a whimper, she advised. Knowing her as I do, I wouldn’t have picked that! She was quite surprised I asked her about it (Really? Me?), but then she explained she wasn’t surprised by anything I might ask her (we have great trust) but that she had never discussed her bedroom silence with anyone before. She pondered it for quite some time.

I think sometimes sex allows us to explore another side to ourselves. In the case of my lovely friend it is about being able to simply shut out the noise of the world and enjoy the sex. For me, perhaps it’s the opposite. I have busy life and to live it I am organised, responsible and I have a routine. Sex for me is about letting go of that, being free and open to spontaneous experiences. In the letting go I guess some of us are quiet and some of us are louder. We are all hardwired differently.

Either way, I think I’ll just turn up the music and the heat! I like being lost in the experience and being able to relax and fully enjoy sex, even if it gets the neighbours talking!