I was recently out to dinner with friends when we ended up on topic of the Ménage à trois…the not so humble threesome. This means sex involving three people. This could be three girls, three guys, two guys and a girl or two girls and one man. It can also involve transgender and intersex partners.
It’s fair to say that often my catch up with friends include chats about sex. Or dating. Obviously because I write this blog, people feel more comfortable chatting about intimate topics like relationships and sex but they are also curious about up-coming blog posts. I’m pretty humbled when they share their stories and thoughts.
So I’d had a very playful conversation with the Producer (I’d been teasing him about his sweet tooth-sugar addiction) that went something like this:
Me: Lollies are not breakfast.
Him: You’re not the boss of me…
Me: That’s true. You can have anything you want.
Him: Great! I want a lesbian threesome!
Me: Sure…where are you going to find two lesbians?
To clarify, this was obviously not a serious conversation about us having a threesome, but it got me thinking about the Ménage à trois. I told my friends I’d been planning to write a piece about it. Now, at first they laughed and then my male friend admitted shyly he’d once had a threesome while my female friend said she’d never tried it.
I’m yet to meet anyone – man or woman – that has had a threesome with two men by the way. The more common experience seems to be one man and two women. That is most likely because straight men find the thought of sharing a sexual experience with another man quite uncomfortable. Whereas, straight women are less freaked about the notion of a shared experience involving a man and another woman. Of course threesomes involving two guys and one woman definitely happen…I’ve just never met anyone personally who has participated in the boy-girl-boy threesome. I wish I had as I’m quite curious about the dynamics!
The threesome seems to be the sexual fantasy of most men. If sex with one woman is fun, sex with two must be twice as fun, right? Also, let’s face it – men are voyeuristic. They like to watch. The thought of watching two women pleasure each other is quite delicious for a lot of men.
Contrary to popular belief, a lot of threesomes involve three straight people. It’s not always bi, or bi-curious people who instigate although, sure, that happens too.
In the course of writing this blog, I’ve actually met a lot of women, and men, who have told me their experiences of threesomes. Some experiences were positive and some were not. Often people who haven’t tried it are fascinated with how it all works…which is fair! Sex between two people is interesting so throw another person in the mix and that’s a lot of arms and legs and bits and pieces to navigate! It can be complicated!
While a threesome might be a whole lot of fun for some, it’s not something to be entered into lightly, especially if you’re part of a couple. Obviously a whole lot of trust is required for a couple to share a sexual experience with another person.
I’ve actually met people whose relationships and friendships fell apart after a threesome. One friend felt confronted and betrayed by the experience, watching her partner enjoying himself with a friend. She told me she wasn’t prepared for the level of jealousy she felt and sadly, her relationship with her man and her close friend who participated never recovered. Incidentally, the threesome had been her idea.
It’s not just women that feel pangs of jealousy either, remember! A male friend once told me that he had a threesome involving his wife and a female friend. He said during the ménage a trios he was more than fine, and was loving every moment of it. In the days that followed he grew increasingly upset and jealous and felt that his wife had enjoyed the sexual affections of the friend too much. Again, in the end the friendship between the two women fell by the wayside as he didn’t trust them alone together! Their marriage survived but threesomes were never entered into again! Ouch.
Which leads me to a few points! Anything sexual should be fun and pleasurable or there’s no point! So here are some things to you might like to consider before you jump in to a threesome which might be helpful!
Think about the why?
Having a threesome might be on your list of fantasies but it’s important to think about your motivation for wanting it to be a reality. Are you simply curious? Are you wanting to spice things up with your partner? Will it be a one off thing? Are you hoping to form a love triangle? Is it to keep your partner happy? If it’s the latter…how will you feel afterwards? Will it make you happy?
If you happen to be jealous by nature, how will you react sharing two people rather than one? Only you can know but be honest with yourself.
One thing I always say regarding sex – any sex – is don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with and be wary of anyone who would pressure you to do so!
I discussed this with one friend who said that even thinking about it concerned her. If you are reading this and feeling quite uncomfortable about the thought of sharing your partner, my suggestion would be don’t do it! It’s as simple as that!
Think about the who?
You also need to be very mindful about who you would want to share the experience with. One of my close friends had a threesome with her trusted girlfriend and a guy one of them had just started dating. The stakes weren’t high in that no one had a romantic attachment to anyone else and everyone involved was single. It was a once-off and all had a good time! She had a lot of fun and it was a positive experience that in no way impacted her friendship with her friend. (She did stop dating the guy, though for other reasons!).
In talking to people about this particular post, a number of people actually said that if you’re in a committed relationship with a person you love, you might consider an experienced sex worker as an option for a threesome. For one they actually know what they are doing but they also won’t confuse the experience as being anything other than a sexual act. Therefore there is less chance of jealousy occurring.
One particular friend said that the third person should leave afterwards which she felt was very important. “Time alone with your partner afterwards is really important. You both need gentle reassurance that you’re the only person that matters.” That can be tricky of the other person is someone you know!
Inviting a friend to join a couple can be fraught with problems, so be mindful and careful about your motivation for thinking of that person in the first place, and how the third person might feel afterwards!
If you’re single but planning on having a threesome with an established couple, be mindful that at the end of it, they will still be a couple and you won’t be. They are looking for a shared sexual experience as a couple! I don’t mean for that to sound harsh but it’s a reality that needs to be accepted. A shared sexual experience doesn’t equal inclusion beyond that, or that it will ever happen again (more times than not, it won’t). Make sure you’ll be okay with that in your own mind before you jump in!
I had a brilliant female writer tell me once when discussing this subject,”Women get emotional, darling. They think nothing before sex but after the sex, they can get emotional.” She had been involved in a number of threesomes!
Think about the boundaries.
Something to consider is that your relationship with your partner is bound to be changed by the experience, either positively or negatively. It should be a positive thing! It’s imperative that you set some ground rules. Your partner should of course be your first consideration so talking about boundaries and what you both will and won’t be okay with is important. This of course will be different for everyone. Setting ground rules first will help to illuminate any doubt both during and after. This could mean anything from the threesome happening in a hotel room so your bedroom isn’t shared (a friend pointed out to me that her bedroom was sacred space for her, which was an interesting point), to your partner not penetrating the other woman, or you not kissing another person…different people have different views about intimacy of course.
It’s about all three people being comfortable. All three parties need to understand the boundaries, and respect each other limitations.
If you are planning to involve people you already know, be sensitive and respectful and discuss expectations and boundaries! If you’re part of a couple, make sure you involve both parties but be sure to focus on your partner! Your partner should always be your primary concern. Feelings and emotions are involved here too, not just physical pleasure! Make sure afterwards your partner knows they are your priority!
If you’re single and jumping in with two singles, talk about any limitations, make sure all three parties are okay with the boundaries and expectations and enjoy!
Think about safety.
In all situations, remember to respect yourself and others both emotionally and physically! Make sure you use condoms! That’s a must!! As for positions and the navigation of all the legs and arms, like all sex, don’t get too hung up on it! It will all just falls into place! If you are planning to have a ménage a trios, then I say ooh la la people! Be safe and enjoy!
Have you ever had a threesome, know someone who has, or would you consider it?